Ep#221 Resentment is Burning You Out
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[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership Podcast where I teach professionals to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends. Let's start today with a question.

[00:00:27] Why is resentment the strongest signal of burnout?

[00:00:32] It's because it tells you that something feels wrong and you don't feel able to fix it.

[00:00:38] So today we're going to investigate the volcanic world of resentment.

[00:00:44] Most professionals under pressure are carrying some, and it's quietly wrecking their energy, their thinking, and their leadership.

[00:00:52] When I was burning out, I genuinely felt like the world was against me, even though logically I knew it wasn't. It felt like it was blocking me, undermining me, and that belief is incredibly common and incredibly misleading.

[00:01:09] So what is resentment?

[00:01:12] Resentment is what happens when you perceive something as working against your ability to thrive.

[00:01:19] The dictionary calls it "Ill will from feeling wronged", but the interesting part is the word itself re-sentment. It's a re-feeling, a repeated emotional loop. 

[00:01:35] You are not just reacting once.

[00:01:37] You are replaying it, holding onto it, feeding it.

[00:01:44] So what it really means: sustained resentment is really a nervous system that feels under threat. And when it spreads across multiple people, multiple situations, it does start to feel like you're under siege.

[00:02:00] But here's the truth. Resentment isn't the problem. It's the signal.

[00:02:07] The brain is saying "Something's wrong, fix it", but you don't feel like you can, and that's where it turns toxic.

[00:02:16] When you feel powerless, you hand your wellbeing over to other people.

[00:02:22] Now they control whether you feel okay or not, and that pattern doesn't come from nowhere. As a kid, you actually were powerless. If the adults didn't show up emotionally or physically, you were stuck. Your system learned "My safety depends on others", and that wiring, I'm afraid, does not just disappear because you've got a job and a mortgage. Even though it's something that most of us wouldn't own up to, right?

[00:02:52] As professionals, we stand on our own two feet, stifling the instinct to reach out to, and cooperate with, others. And many of us suffer a lack of belonging as a result.

[00:03:07] Let's use an example. Your boss criticizes you in front of others.

[00:03:11] No one backs you.

[00:03:13] You don't even back yourself.

[00:03:16] Suddenly -exposed, alone, judged- your system reads that as a threat.

[00:03:23] So you get resentful. And this is not because you're weak, it's because your brain is doing its job - to protect you. But then what happens is, when we feel that we don't address it directly.

[00:03:38] We might replay the situation, build a case, recruit allies, and try to prove that we are right. Meanwhile, we are bathing our system in stress, can't switch off, can't think straight, can't recover.

[00:03:55] The resentment that felt justified starts to eat us alive.

[00:04:00] So the real question is who's drinking the poison here and hoping the other person dies? You are, every time, and from this pattern resolution is impossible.

[00:04:15] Don't blame yourself, though, for the way that your mind is protecting you. Just listen. Take it as a warning, and act.

[00:04:26] So, if we take resentment as the signal, what do you do with it?

[00:04:31] Let's walk through the steps.

[00:04:33] Step One: Stop the fight.

[00:04:36] Not because they're right, but because it's costing you too much. Decide "I'm done hurting myself over this".

[00:04:46] Step Two: Question your certainty.

[00:04:50] "Where could I be wrong?"

[00:04:54] Not to excuse them, but just to loosen the grip.

[00:04:59] Even a 10% shift in perspective creates breathing space.

[00:05:04] Step Three: depersonalize it.

[00:05:07] "What if this wasn't about me?"

[00:05:10] Most people are wrapped up in their own pressures. Your boss isn't thinking about you that much. They're trying to survive their own mess.

[00:05:19] Step Four: Take your power back.

[00:05:23] If you've been silent, shrinking, people pleasing, that's where the resentment is coming from.

[00:05:31] You don't need aggression.

[00:05:32] You need self-respect.

[00:05:34] Stand up cleanly, calmly, and directly.

[00:05:41] Step Five: Seek to understand.

[00:05:45] Fear drives behavior, yours and theirs.

[00:05:50] Once you see that, things soften. Not because it's okay, but because it's human.

[00:05:59] Step Six: Choose a better response.

[00:06:02] You don't control what happens.

[00:06:04] You do control how you interpret it, and that's your leverage.

[00:06:10] So in the same situation, your thought "They're attacking me" might generate resentment for you, but your thought "We need to have a better conversation" might stimulate agency within you.

[00:06:23] Different internal, state, different outcome.

[00:06:27] Step Seven: Build your EQ, your Emotional Quotient.

[00:06:32] This is the real skill: the ability to dissolve resentment instead of feeding it.

[00:06:38] That's leadership.

[00:06:40] Not control, not dominance.

[00:06:42] Self-leadership first.

[00:06:45] I call this championing yourself: believing yourself worthy, having your own back, and offering yourself compassion. This is the antidote to burnout at core.

[00:06:57] EQ is a vital leadership skill in this increasingly disconnected culture.

[00:07:02] You become the multiplier of trust, engagement, loyalty, collaboration, and innovation.

[00:07:12] So they're the steps.

[00:07:13] Practicing these steps often with Dex AI Coach, which I've trained from my own 10,000 coaching sessions, is the way to go.

[00:07:22] It's free, it's confidential. You can tell Dex AI Coach your resentment and work out a high EQ win-win reframe.

[00:07:34] Then take it to others with an attitude of friendly help helpfulness.

[00:07:39] Because higher EQ raises the bar on performance, teamwork, results, and status. Plus, it's going to be easier on you. It is the most in demand skill for leaders, that cannot be replaced by AI.

[00:07:55] You'll find the Dex AI Coach link in the show notes.

[00:08:00] But finally, resentment doesn't make you a bad person.

[00:08:03] It means something in you feels unsafe.

[00:08:07] Listen to it then, but don't live in it. 

[00:08:10] If you're staying there, that's what burns you out.

[00:08:15] You don't need to change other people to feel better.

[00:08:18] You just need to stop handing them the keys to your wellbeing.

[00:08:22] You have more power than you think. Use it.

[00:08:27] If you need help, join the Leadership Without Burnout Coaching Program, to replace resentment with Emotionally Intelligent Solutions.

[00:08:36] The program is a systematic step-by-step solution to the big pain points of leadership.

[00:08:44] Be gentle on yourself. Thank you for listening, and I will catch you next time.