Ep214 EQ The Leadership Upgrade AI Can’t Replace
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[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout Recovery Podcast where I teach professionals to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends, this is Dex, and today we'll investigate leading with Emotional Intelligence, because EI is the most sought after leadership skill.

[00:00:33] As James Kouzes and Barry Posner say, "The best way to lead people into the future is to connect with them deeply in the present."

[00:00:41] And this episode is for you if your transition from autonomous high flyer to team leadership has been harder than you expected.

[00:00:50] Specifically, if you'd like to uplift your emotional intelligence leadership skills; self-assured, open and transparent communication; and confidence working with diverse people at all levels.

[00:01:06] And these are foundational skills that help high achieving professionals transition successfully into strong leadership.

[00:01:14] Today, you'll discover: how to identify emotional drivers and your connection style; how to spot connection issues, and their causes and effects; you'll learn to create stronger bonds; and leverage those new skills in leadership.

[00:01:32] Then you can harness the power of emotional intelligence (or EQ, which is the measure of that), and effective communication in leadership.

[00:01:41] For solo high achievers, communication is vital, but the way in which they communicate -less so. They are the primary asset. Being short with others, invested in personal success, is seen as normal. They can be self-contained; project authority; maybe feel a little arrogant; mask emotions; and value those only at their own level.

[00:02:12] Of course it makes sense for them, but that approach doesn't scale well to leadership where the task is to mentor others. Adding emotional intelligence promotes trust, empathy, compassion, rapport, cooperation, teamwork, openness, sharing respect, honesty, transparency, humility and loyalty.

[00:02:39] Long list, but these are all attributes that influence team results.

[00:02:45] EI also calms our inner voice so we are less reactive and can work harmoniously together.

[00:02:52] Yet EI, this most in demand skill for leaders, is also one of the rarest. Much talked about, seldom taught or rewarded.

[00:03:04] In my first untutored leadership role as an engineering manager in the early nineties.

[00:03:12] I'd show up early. I'd go straight to my office and crack into my In Tray. Staff would bring their wants and I'd add them to the pile, triaging urgent and important ones. I had to work hard and fast. Quick decisions, quick solutions, quick dispute resolution, but I liked it that way. I kept the plates spinning, steering clear of anyone who might slow me down, typically by speaking!

[00:03:41] And when I called a meeting, I'd already made a decision ahead of time about next actions, or I'd solved the problems myself, because it was quicker. People thought me arrogant for this. Not entirely surprised! But I thought I was simply satisfying demand like I was supposed to. And my results were objectively fine in terms of productivity and service quality. Staff retention was almost a hundred percent, and I did reward and confer with my team individually. And the CEO, department heads and clients were all happy.

[00:04:18] But my top down isolationist approach was really rather insensitive, and it didn't truly empower my team to explore and grow at their highest potential.

[00:04:30] Looking back now, if life has taught me one thing it's that emotions rule.

[00:04:35] At that time I was on defense, avoiding failure and criticism by fixing everything myself.

[00:04:43] I made myself impervious and indispensable, and brittle.

[00:04:49] Now I see other new leaders default into the same DIY mindset that worked for them as highly trained solo achievers. Pain necessarily follows this approach as a leader.

[00:05:04] So think about yourself for a second.

[00:05:06] If you happen to be a fixer and you are overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated at work, squeezed by anxiety that hampers your decision making, productivity and teamwork. Imagine for a moment how your leadership could change if conversations stopped feeling like personal threats. If you could manage your emotions and calm your over inflamed nervous system. If you experience deeper trust, less self-doubt, less anxiety, and became a master at leading, delegating, and mentoring.

[00:05:43] If so, the good news is the remedy is quite straightforward and it will boost your results, your enjoyment, and your career prospects.

[00:05:52] So let's check in a second.

[00:05:55] Right now, when you join a meeting with your team, how do their faces look?

[00:06:01] Nervous? Guilty? Resentful? Distracted? Shut down?

[00:06:06] If so, you're not alone. Only 29% of employees trust their team leader.

[00:06:14] And how do YOU feel, going into that same meeting?

[00:06:18] If you are worried, chances are you're going to start out a bit defensive and authoritarian.

[00:06:24] The truth is, you need strong social capital in the bank with your people in order to discuss problems with mutual trust, and when that trust is absent, meetings will remain stressful.

[00:06:39] So of course, this is where there's a huge opportunity with EI. 

[00:06:43] I think about it this way: humans spend an average of 80 to 90% of each day communicating. There's around 8 billion people on this planet, and every single one of them has a belief system different than yours. In conversation, then, disagreements in belief are inevitable, and belief mismatches often trigger the ego, prompting a sense of threat and reactivity.

[00:07:09] A reactive nervous system loses access to cognitive function and calmness. Conflict is then likely, between two people in this defensive reactivity, and this is where emotional management will save the day.

[00:07:26] For example, in a meeting or a conversation where beliefs collide and discussion is becoming a bit inflamed:

[00:07:38] If you are the reactive one, simply notice, "Oh, I feel angry."

[00:07:43] And then depersonalize the situation: decide that what's been said doesn't reflect personally on you. Rather, it reflects on the speaker's beliefs, which you don't have to buy into or attack. That's a choice that can make, that allows you to stay emotionally neutral, to be relatively unaffected.

[00:08:08] You can return to a calm, solution-focused, collaborative state, and respond to the conversation, just to the facts of what's happening, using your business brain.

[00:08:21] If it's the other person who's reactive, well, okay, not everybody has access to emotional modulation. That's not necessarily their fault, but simply reflect their emotions calmly back to them.

[00:08:36] So you might say something like "I can see you feel agitated right now. I sense you feel what's happened is unfair. You feel disrespected and you are upset, angry, frustrated."

[00:08:50] This one simple act of emotional reflection will normally calm the other person. They feel heard and understood, which is really what they need.

[00:09:00] This is a master technique of hostage negotiators taught to me by Doug Noll, who uses it with maximum security prisoners.

[00:09:09] So there are two methods you can use to reduce reactivity in conversation. So that you can more easily relax and handle anything that comes at you, at your maximum skill level without inflaming conflict.

[00:09:25] By the way, Doug also notes that 72% of CEOs fear showing empathy because they anticipate that people will then challenge their decisions. They worry they'll lose respect and be seen as a pushover. If you share this fear, please know that in practice the opposite happens, respect and trust increase. So that's a couple of examples.

[00:09:49] Once you are beginning to learn how to remain emotionally calm and receptive, using techniques like these, you can begin to create psychological safety within your team.

[00:10:01] Why would you do this? Because if you have EI, you will produce superior results, engagement and staff retention. So the next logical step is to help your team develop EI so they feel safe and supported to give of their best. You get to be the multiplier of that.

[00:10:21] Psychological safety at its highest level means that every team member feels safe to be included, to ask questions, contribute opinions, and challenge the status quo.

[00:10:34] You can begin by making sure every team member feels welcome at the table. If you're interested in learning how I can highly recommend a book called "The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety" by Timothy R. Clark. It's a compact book with a practical step-by-step guide for new leaders in creating psychological safety.

[00:10:58] And psychological safety is the cornerstone of what we call servant leadership, which reduces team burnout by 76%, increases engagement by 27% and delivers 15 to 18% stronger returns.

[00:11:14] A servant leader shares power, puts the need of employees first, and helps people develop and perform as highly as possible.

[00:11:24] Here's a quote from Rasheed Ogunlaru " Tomorrow's leaders will not lead dictating from the front nor pushing from the back. They will lead from the center -from the heart."

[00:11:38] When you have an engaged team where all members feel welcome, safe to ask questions, contribute and dissent, you'll have the base for mutual support, optimal performance, and innovation.

[00:11:51] Otherwise, they're more likely to feel stifled, go quiet, shut down, and eventually leave.

[00:11:59] Trust in managers dropped from 46% to 29% in just two years, from 2022 to 2024, and 71% of millennials will leave within three years under poor leadership.

[00:12:16] None of that needs to happen on your watch.

[00:12:19] As an example, the best boss I ever had was a terrific mentor. He made it really clear that I was valued. He trusted my skills and judgment, listened quietly, never blamed or embarrassed me in front of others, had my back with clients, and gave me time to remedy problems without breathing down my neck.

[00:12:40] His quiet, unflappable presence was always reassuring to me, to the extent that I never dreaded going to work, even when I'd done something wrong.

[00:12:51] At the same time, he was a very shrewd operator and created impressive growth within the company.

[00:12:58] I'm telling you this 'cause maybe you've had a boss that you revered?

[00:13:02] If you have, ask yourself now what it was that you admired about them, how they solved problems and handled difficult situations.

[00:13:11] Because you can develop those same attributes.

[00:13:15] You can lead with emotional intelligence.

[00:13:18] And when you practice some of these new skills, once you get the hang of managing your own emotions, you are on a path to self-leadership.

[00:13:26] To continue growth in this direction, some more old habits can be undone. For example, abandoning over work. Stop giving yourself a badge for it. Flip the script of your inner critic. Have your own back and see your own worth. Appreciate and nurture all your talents.

[00:13:46] You can search this podcast for episodes to learn each of those key skills.

[00:13:52] And for example, you'll see the episode on Difficult Conversations in the show notes.

[00:13:58] And doing all this work in humility, the path to high performing leadership opens up.

[00:14:03] As you fill your own cup, you become a demonstration to your team that they want to emulate.

[00:14:10] Don't wait for perfection. Teach them as you learn yourself, because the humanity of that is the glue of your new upgraded relationships with your team.

[00:14:20] Meanwhile, of course, get to know them individually. Who their families are, their struggles, triumphs, interests and beliefs. What inspires them, what matters to them. Why they joined your organization and what they'd like to achieve. Find small ways you can support their growth. Show, basically that you care about them as human beings, because instruction does much, but encouragement, everything.

[00:14:50] I've introduced today, some concepts and practices, that you might never have been taught, that can elevate your leadership and deepen your sense of fulfillment.

[00:15:01] These are all skills I help my clients master.

[00:15:04] The path is lifelong, but even the first steps can be very relieving and rewarding, returning your energy and enthusiasm. Also, people around you will notice the difference.

[00:15:15] As you share your EI learning with the team and colleagues, your leadership will evolve. Colleagues will start trusting you more. You'll begin to see how other people are suffering and how you can help them. Many of my clients transform difficult relationships, even with their boss, into mutually supportive and appreciative ones this way.

[00:15:38] If you have half an eye on your legacy and the example you're setting for your children, you will sense changes there too.

[00:15:46] You are the asset. Never forget that. Treasure it.

[00:15:52] Okay, that's what I have for you today. Practice hard, my friends, you deserve it.

[00:15:57] If you'd like a little bit of help, join my leadership program where you'll learn it all. It's a leadership development fast track.

[00:16:04] And please if you've enjoyed today's episode, rate and review the podcast to help others gain access to the same benefits. Thanks for listening. Catch you next time.