Ep#212 The Gap vs the Gain – Why High Performers Stall on Leadership Goals
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[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout Recovery Podcast where I teach professionals to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends. Today we're gonna talk about why high performers stall on leadership goals, and if your January leadership goals already feel shaky and your inner critic is loud and hurting performance, then this episode is for you.

[00:00:41] I had New Year's resolution back in 2011 of Letting Go. What I meant by that is I wanted to release old patterns of behavior and thinking that I could see were not serving me.

[00:00:55] But when we restarted in January, I already felt wiped out. I'd lost connection with my previous technical wizardry, pulling solutions to complex problems out of thin air. I'd gotten older. I was no longer excited to work these endless hours, leaping from one rabid emergency to the next.

[00:01:20] It was difficult to motivate myself back to my former glory, especially when I could see that doing less of a job wasn't threatening my position, which had shifted more into leadership than frontline hands-on work.

[00:01:35] Today I wanna show you how this GAP mindset quietly undermines leadership confidence and performance. And how shifting to the GAIN restores momentum and flow.

[00:01:47] Because letting go was harder than it looked!

[00:01:50] I worried about project slipping; revenue impact; team infighting; my boss being restless and unsatisfied.

[00:02:00] I worried about the pressure on my team to handle so much work. I dare say I was sharper and more critical of them than I wanted, or they needed. Even when I broadly had their backs. And demoralized, they did do their best, but there were missed deadlines and quality issues, and I was struggling and unhappy.

[00:02:22] In the end, my fried nervous system didn't want me to change.

[00:02:28] It wanted me to reduce anxiety.

[00:02:31] I ended up having the Letting Go goal for six more years. I am laughing about it now! And this is really because I didn't know how to make the scale of change that I needed, to improve my leadership.

[00:02:46] I couldn't let go and I didn't really understand why.

[00:02:51] And this performance block is especially relevant for experienced leaders who are doing a lot right, but still feel behind.

[00:02:59] So let's look at you. What are your goals and your promises? If you're listening in January, do you have New Year's goals? Are they on track?

[00:03:10] Or are they taking a backseat already?

[00:03:14] And if they are statistically, that's no surprise. Don't feel too bad. 92% of New Year's resolutions fail quickly.

[00:03:22] You're back at work with the same inbox, the same people, the same frustrations and pressures and the same exhaustion. Sometime in January your brain will probably tell you "it's no use, just give up".

[00:03:38] Because of course we can rewire our brains, but humans are creatures of habit. That's an evolutionary protection that ensures our survival.

[00:03:48] Resisting the gravitational pull of what we usually do takes conscious effort and extraordinary commitment.

[00:03:57] Because if, like me, you are trying to be "better" or "more" or "fixed". If you are striving to motivate yourself to work harder, sharper; to be more disciplined; perhaps passing this performance pressure onto your team.

[00:04:16] Underneath all of that will be a storyline. Something like, "If I can just close this gap, between where I am and where I'm trying to be, I'll finally be okay". And any perception of failing to close the gap leaves you even more depleted, cynical, and self-critical.

[00:04:35] And this can be the point of withdrawal.

[00:04:38] If you sense that no one can help you, but that you're expected to be strong anyway. And really, you feel unsupported and alone and must never admit to this weakness.

[00:04:51] Does that sound a bit like how you feel?

[00:04:53] That's not where your best performance comes from, is it?

[00:04:57] But it is an inflection point where new choices can emerge.

[00:05:02] If you are ordinarily in your leadership, particularly hardworking, driven, conscientious. You would've always been this way, right?

[00:05:11] If you have high standards for yourself and others, if you are reliable, competent, useful, then the shadow side of that is often chronic self pressure that looks a bit like perfectionism and self-criticism, feeling you are not quite enough yet. Imposter syndrome and the consequent fear of judgment.

[00:05:33] The same traits that make you exceptional, can quietly leave you unsatisfied.

[00:05:39] So what is the concept of the GAP? This is the concept that locks you into this cycle of not quite enough yet. It's described by Dan Sullivan, founder of Strategic Coach for entrepreneurs. He says this:

[00:05:54] "Most people, especially highly ambitious people, are unhappy because of what they measure themselves against.

[00:06:01] We all have an ideal, it's like a moving target that's always out of reach. When we measure ourselves against that ideal, we're in the gap because we'll never get there."

[00:06:12] When you are in the gap, you judge your personal reality today against a future that doesn't exist yet, and in fact never can.

[00:06:22] The result is perpetual dissatisfaction and self-criticism.

[00:06:27] Motivation driven by fear, not creation, and leadership that becomes defensive and brittle.

[00:06:34] It's important to know that the gap isn't weakness. There's no need to blame yourself if you feel this might apply to you. It's actually just a misused survival strategy.

[00:06:45] But for me, if I'd understood the gap principle back in 2011 when I made the Letting Go goal, I would've seen why I remained unable to achieve that goal.

[00:06:56] One aggravating factor as well against achieving goals is that modern culture feeds the gap. There's always more to do, optimize, fix, upgrade. There's metrics everywhere and rest ..yeah.. nowhere. There's social comparison, everywhere you look, ramped up on social media particularly.

[00:07:19] Then there's always January new goals that we quite often use as a kind of performance review of our entire life.

[00:07:27] I have a senior leadership client who has always had a very high score at his annual reviews. However, when a new executive team moved in recently, the rules changed and his last review was only at 50%. He can't forget it. It matters.

[00:07:47] His job isn't at risk. He has a critical role in the company during this transition period and the proven skills to accomplish it, but the pain of it chafes him.

[00:07:58] His morale and motivation have flagged and he feels underappreciated.

[00:08:04] The gap thrives in cultures that confuse pressure with progress.

[00:08:11] So he needs to restore confidence to feel okay. No amount of achievement will now supply him the relief that he wants.

[00:08:19] So this is where we are working. This is what I do in coaching. The antidote to the GAP, which is measuring yourself unfavorably against an ideal future, is the GAIN. The gain is measuring progress from where you started, not against a future ideal. The gap is feeling constantly overdrawn, whereas the gain is money in the bank of your confidence.

[00:08:48] Being in the gain doesn't lower your standards. It doesn't slow you down or deplete your energy reserves. It changes the fuel source from escaping pain to working from your true assets.

[00:09:02] To frame this, think Atomic Habits where tiny wins compound. James Clear wrote his book in three years using his own habits principles, and as a first time author, he now has the bestselling non-fiction book of all time on Amazon.

[00:09:18] Progress creates energy. It's unfortunately not the other way round. As long as you acknowledge, appreciate, and build from your progress, not neglect, ignore, or downplay it.

[00:09:33] The gain doesn't make you lazy. It offers your path to sustainable success.

[00:09:40] Here's what leadership looks like from the gain: 

[00:09:41] You're going from proving your worth to creating value; compensating for perceived failure to contributing new ideas; from solo effort to mutual support.

[00:09:54] So leaders in the gain have less need to self-protect. They're less reactive, they're more generous, safer to be around and still ambitious, but just not self aggressive.

[00:10:06] This is where hope returns, and with it the passion and the joys of profitable collaboration across all levels.

[00:10:15] I had a client in big tech leadership who was struggling with the pressure. His organization, like many others in the industry at that time, was instigating a stream of unheralded layoffs, one after the other.

[00:10:29] The culture had become unstable and fearful, with everybody looking over their shoulder.

[00:10:34] My client's role involved him managing that attrition, laying off engineers he'd cared for and promoted.

[00:10:42] At the same time, he was facing off privately with his parents, whose aspirations for him were not the ones he chose for himself. They were disapproving, and frequently reinforced the cultural expectation that he must obey their wishes.

[00:10:58] A storm of anxiety, negativity, and fear could easily have overwhelmed my client.

[00:11:06] Instead, we worked to restabilize his nervous system and self-confidence. He started giving himself more credit, both for his principled and caring leadership, and his own choices for his growing family. Offsetting a stream of self-doubt, one worry at a time.

[00:11:25] He chose to stick with his own choices as a father and husband, reestablishing himself as captain of that ship. He quietly unhitched from the parental disapproval without harming that relationship. At work, he stepped up under fire, making calm decisions that were equally clean, positive, and produced solid results.

[00:11:51] Same pressures, same job, same family. Different internal stance.

[00:12:00] Started noticing progress, not just problems, and the team dynamic shifted with him. Energy returned before circumstances changed. And the final endorsement of his leadership growth came when he was put in charge of his counterpart's team, as well as his own.

[00:12:21] The hard part of all this about the gap and the gain is how to shift focus, particularly without lying to yourself and pretending everything's wonderful.

[00:12:30] So going from the gap to the gain is not delusional positive thinking. It's disciplined attention and results oriented decisions. Future focused, not fear focused.

[00:12:45] It's noticing the gap voice, when it comes up, and how it affects you, but not acting from it or the fear that it produces.

[00:12:55] Asking better questions that invite confidence-forming gain thinking: What's actually working? What has already been achieved? What do we do today that helped? What did I handle better than last time?

[00:13:10] So the gain is trained. It's just a habit. It's not discovered. The wins were already there, but your fevered brain might have trampled over them, out of fear for the remaining risk, or tasks that still must be done so that you can feel okay.

[00:13:26] Finding satisfaction in challenging situations at work isn't about settling for less than you need, or accepting worse than you can bear.

[00:13:35] It's just a reframe - because satisfaction is a capacity, not a circumstance.

[00:13:43] That's the real secret to happiness: relaxing, accepting, adapting to things outside your control. Learning to want what you have, not have what you want. Life is basically workable.

[00:13:59] Scarcity says " When I arrive, I'll relax."

[00:14:03] Abundance says "I can stand here and still want more and all that's okay."

[00:14:10] And leadership obviously grows from the abundance stance.

[00:14:15] In real life, we could say that scarcity versus abundance looks like this:

[00:14:20] At eight o'clock in the morning, starting the day already behind versus acknowledging your resources; dreading opening your inbox versus naming one gain before you do.

[00:14:33] Or at the end of the day, 6:00 PM: Only seeing what wasn't done versus noticing what was handled; or forcing yourself to keep going versus leaving work less tense.

[00:14:47] Small, ordinary choices that build up.

[00:14:51] So all of that is good. You can make some of those choices, particularly with support and reminders and systems in place, but the gap still shows up. Because you're human, right? It will.

[00:15:04] So when the gap shows up, it's helpful to have a routine to help disperse it, to help switch back into the gain. And you can do that alone. If you've got a journal, you can journal it. Or you might do it with your team in a team meeting.

[00:15:19] And here's one framework that's offered for reframing your gap into gain.

[00:15:26] You take a five minute blameless sulking period.

[00:15:31] So you think about the gap. Do it. Why not? No fixing, no shame. Just think about the gap. Think the thoughts that are putting you there. Write it down. Breathe it, and feel it. Release the energy of it, and then you can move on. Just for five minutes, then stop.

[00:15:48] And then you do a 10 minutes gains review.

[00:15:51] Look for the small gains that you actually have had. Write them or speak them. They are evidence of gain that exists and they're better not overlooked.

[00:16:03] And the third step is really good for teams. 20 minute team gain spotlight. Take turns to give another team member credit for their gains. Not necessarily results, maybe it's just attitude or listening or being present. So spend 20 minutes on that.

[00:16:24] When you've done those three steps, it should bring you into the gain and you should notice a shift in the way that you feel by the end.

[00:16:32] And that is how to diffuse the bomb of gap thinking when it comes up.

[00:16:39] Don't try to suppress it. Just name it, feel it, let it go, and then provide yourself with some wins so that you can switch focus into the gain.

[00:16:49] In closing, one of my clients sent me an email yesterday declining a further round of coaching for now, which is fine. Except that the email was written by AI and I felt sad about that. I noticed how hard it was to respond to.

[00:17:06] And for the record, I haven't had AI write this podcast script. I've done it myself. AI writes too diplomatically, and I guess I really wanted it to be more real for you and I hope that's worked. I hope you've heard something today that was useful for you.

[00:17:23] Because being fully "people", being a full person out loud is a very messy business and a lot of us at work feel even though we shouldn't do that. But when we descend into a battle of covering up vulnerability with aggression - and don't worry, my nervous system has formed in this department. If we do that, we are not allowing other people in.

[00:17:49] The massive bonus when we do let go, when we're our full selves is that people can really see and hear us, and even if that's our biggest fear, it gives them something to genuinely connect with and to warm up to. And they can be quite gentle with us then, don't you find? And loyal.

[00:18:09] If they're not, and some people won't be, it's probably because they're in a great deal of internal pain and fear themselves, and they can't quite face up to it. If that's happening, you don't need to take that personally. You can spot it and maybe find some sympathy for other people's suffering and offer to become their allies. Once you find your own confidence within yourself, once you are in the gain, you might find yourself able to de-armour, and offer exactly this. And watch what happens then!

[00:18:44] I promise you it's an adventure worth having.

[00:18:48] So the gap when it pops up, it wants perfection because that's what it thinks is going to keep your nervous system safe. The gain on the other hand, makes room for people, opening to the warmth of connection and support it.

[00:19:04] Leadership doesn't improve when you're harder on yourself.

[00:19:07] It improves when you are more honest, about what's already here.

[00:19:11] I'll leave you with a couple of prompts that you can use with Dex AI Coach, which you'll see the link in the show notes. And if you'd like to start practicing the gap and the gain, here's some PROMPTS you can put into AI to help you do that.

[00:19:24] #1: Help me reframe my mistakes this week so I can turn them into leadership wins. And then respond, tell 'em what your mistakes were and have the turnaround.

[00:19:36] #2: Help me see why I'm feeling exhausted and not enough this week.

[00:19:41] #3: What patterns am I repeating that are keeping me stuck in the gap right now?

[00:19:48] #4: List five gains I can notice in my leadership this week, even small ones, and explain why they matter.

[00:19:58] So I'll put those prompts in the show notes as well, and you can use them in in Dex AI and just start exploring how you can convert your gaps into gains. Hope you've enjoyed what I have for you today.

[00:20:10] If you have, I'd love you to rate and review me on Apple Podcasts so that other people can get the benefit of these podcasts as well. As we expand reach for more leaders who need to upgrade. Thank you for being here.