Ep#203 The Shame Spiral and Social Withdrawal
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[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership Podcast where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Have you ever found yourself pulling away from people you care about, snapping at your team or feeling like no matter what you do, you're just not enough? And that sense of disconnection, shame, and retreat, especially when you're burning out, can feel like a trap with no way out.

[00:00:43] In today's episode, then we're going to talk about one of the most destructive but invisible cycles behind burnout, the shame spiral.

[00:00:53] We're going to unpack how burnout fuels shame, how that shame drives isolation and self abandonment. Most importantly, how to break free.

[00:01:03] So, okay, what is the shame cycle?

[00:01:06] I'll introduce a client of mine. Let's call him Mark. Who was a high performing executive, smart, responsible, respected. But when the burnout hit, he didn't just feel tired, he felt ashamed, like he was failing everyone, letting the side down.

[00:01:23] So what did he do? He pulled away. He stopped responding to friends and clients, avoided tough conversations at work, pushed himself harder, while secretly feeling worse and worse. His inner voice became brutal.

[00:01:39] Imagining his wife was watching him lose his masculine strength and decisiveness, he also became brittle, defensive, and withdrawn around her, darting off to his den when he got home.

[00:01:52] Because he wasn't interacting with her, nor explaining, she started to read him as if he was being hostile, confirming his worst fears of unworthiness.

[00:02:04] Frustration mounted for him. Morale plummeted. He felt so alone, right when he needed warmth and support.

[00:02:13] You might recognize the steps of that implosion?

[00:02:17] As burnout begins, there's an energy crash, and then more mistakes happen. Performance dips and confidence wanes, and this cycle itself repeats usually for quite a while.

[00:02:32] Shame follows, and we tell ourselves things like, "I should be stronger.", "Why can't I do this?", "What's wrong with me?"

[00:02:40] Shame then drives social withdrawal, avoidance, isolation, and especially trying not to show vulnerability. Of course, we don't want that.

[00:02:51] Unfortunately, that leads to self abandonment where we ignore our own needs, disconnect from our feelings and numb out . And that disconnection rapidly entrenches burnout, completing the loop.

[00:03:07] And notice that shame feels unlivable. We can't sit with it, but it's actually the withdrawal around shame that causes the crash, the real damage.

[00:03:20] So let's look for a moment at why this cycle happens. 

[00:03:25] A little bit of the biology and psychology of shame.

[00:03:28] Shame triggers a fight, flight or freeze response. And then we want to hide, not be seen. When we don't get any help, we freeze even harder. Evolutionary terms -shame was a social emotion tied to belonging. If we felt we didn't belong, that needed to be fixed fast, because losing connection meant danger at a tribal or herd level . And suddenly we've got no one to rely on, or even talk to about our problem.

[00:04:02] For high performers, shame often sounds like "If I were better, this wouldn't be happening." There's self-blame involved, and sometimes it's tinged with shock that we could actually let people down this way, that we could let things get so bad.

[00:04:19] We sense we're losing status and, painfully, everyone knows it.

[00:04:25] And of course we've got the masculine conditioning layer.

[00:04:29] Cultural expectations: Don't complain; Be tough; Fix everything yourself.

[00:04:34] Because usually high achievers were raised to solve every problem by themselves. Superior performance was expected to the point probably of being taken for granted. But if we tell ourselves this about toughening up and being a man, it leads to self-judgment instead of the self-compassion that we actually need.

[00:04:56] The sense of vulnerability gets seen as weakness, which feeds even more shame.

[00:05:01] So if you relate to some aspects of that outline, you might be at risk of descent into burnout at some point yourself. 

[00:05:09] let's talk a little bit about how to break the cycle if that happens for you.

[00:05:13] Number one, the very first step, very important, name the shame. Awareness is power.

[00:05:20] "Oh, this is shame talking, not the truth."

[00:05:24] Shame actually is never the absolute truth. It exists within the context of tribal behavior, where we learn that to belong we must stick to certain rules. And those rules may or may not align with our own personality and values, but the social compact exists to stick to them, to ensure acceptance and belonging in the group.

[00:05:48] Hence the tension. For example, in any homogeneous group, a religion, a country, a profession, whatever you like . So shame, then, if it's contextual within a group, it can't be the truth, can it? And how we acquire it is, it's passed down to us through generations.

[00:06:08] So when we can take a step back and recognize that, this creates a little bit of wiggle room for us in our experience of shame.

[00:06:17] You can talk yourself in very simple language, For example, "I'm feeling like I'm not enough right now. That's shame." Or "This is what shame feels like right now for me."

[00:06:31] Just take a little step back and do that.

[00:06:34] Once you've recognized the shame, step two is go for tiny acts of self connection.

[00:06:40] Ask yourself, what do I need right now? Really need, not beer! But things like care, acceptance, kindness, compassion, understanding. What do I need?

[00:06:53] You might try this one as a journal prompt or make a voice memo out of it:

[00:06:58] "If I didn't abandon myself now, what would I do?" And see if you can wait for the answer from your body. You might hear it in your mind.

[00:07:08] This particular exercise is worth practicing as a habit, because the deeper your answers go to that question, the more supported and resilient you're going to feel.

[00:07:20] Shame repair first needs self connection. Self support, that's first base.

[00:07:27] The highest of all performers must look after themselves in this way so they can surf the waves of life and work.

[00:07:34] Step three, when you feel ready, when you've talked yourself down a little bit, reach out to some safe people or at least one safe person if you can identify one in your sphere. Vulnerability, with a person who gets it, breaks the shame loop. Shame can only exist in silence, so no matter how hard it is to do, reaching out will help you.

[00:08:01] Even a short message, "Hey, I'm having a rough week. Can we talk?" is enough .

[00:08:05] Of course there is some stigma around this. For men, particularly, whose golden rule could be, don't let people see your weakness. Don't ask for help. But really, look at the business leader you most admire. You can bet they had a wise old mentor tucked away somewhere who they could always talk to.

[00:08:25] And if you've read the books of Gabor Mate, he believes that the open wound of shame in adults comes from having to conform and perform for love and acceptance as kids. If you, as a child, did not have an adult who you could tell anything to, that alone will predispose you to experiences like burnout later in life.

[00:08:49] When you share your shame with another, it loses power.

[00:08:53] Letting other people see the real you is the antidote to this shame-based isolation.

[00:08:59] Step four. Recommit to self-respect -not motivation, not discipline, not action. Respect.

[00:09:07] When you're burned out, self-respect sounds like "I am worthy of care even when I'm not performing at 100%." I would personally use "especially when I'm not performing at 100%."

[00:09:23] Notice if you are demanding of yourself an impossible standard of achievement.

[00:09:27] Try to give yourself a little bit of space to make mistakes, let people down, fail. Because this restores the courage to tackle difficulties, confrontation and embarrassment at work.

[00:09:40] Being human, it's not a personal to you condition. Everyone fails sometimes.

[00:09:46] Don't go down with the ship of your self criticism.

[00:09:50] So that's a brief outline of the shame cycle and the things that you can do about it.

[00:09:55] But I'd really like to share that you can radically reduce the amount and the frequency of shame that you experience. This will happen during a burnout recovery process itself. Your power will start to unfold in more glorious ways than ever, and your self-assurance will expand with it.

[00:10:20] Shame isnt proof that you're broken.

[00:10:23] It's proof that you care deeply about how you show up.

[00:10:27] When you stop fighting it, you find freedom.

[00:10:31] Burnout recovery begins not when you fix yourself, but when you stop abandoning yourself.

[00:10:39] So that's what I got for you today. If this episode hit home for you and you're ready to stop white knuckling it alone, let's talk.

[00:10:48] You can book a free consult with me at dexrandall.com and let's get you back on track.

[00:10:54] And if you're in shame right now and it's urgent, I highly recommend getting some expert help from Dex AI Coach. It's private, it's expert, and it's free. It can reduce shame in minutes. And the link to that is in the show notes.

[00:11:10] Thank you for listening. Have a great shame-free week.