[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout Recovery Podcast where I teach professionals to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hi and welcome. This is Dex and we're going to deep dive today into what to do when someone pushes your buttons. And that has to be a hot topic for anyone in burnout, or was that just me? It's possible I devoted rather more time to resentment in burnout than I did to collaboration. And therein lies a tale of shame. It's a tale for another day. I digress. So soon!

[00:00:49] So, have you ever been caught off guard when someone you trust or rely on drops the ball or says something that just hits a nerve? Today, we're exploring what to do when somebody does push your buttons and how those tricky moments can become surprising opportunities for self-leadership and burnout recovery.

[00:01:10] When you are already stretched thin by stress, anxiety, or burnout, your tolerance for frustration shrinks radically and small things can feel big fast. That's not a flaw, by the way. It's a sign that your system needs care. So let's unpack it a little bit.

[00:01:32] Recently my financial planner lost me a chunk of money. They'd overlooked a tax refund I was eligible for on my super contribution, but by the time they realized, the window to claim it had closed. Ironically, part of the reason I hired a planner was to prevent these kinds of mistakes. Mistakes that so far I've not made myself.

[00:01:56] Of course, anyone can slip up, right? But my first reaction? Tight chest, frustration, the urge to fire off a blunt email.

[00:02:06] I told myself it's only money, but that didn't really calm the part of me that wanted control, certainty, competence. Resentment simmered for days, as my anger slowly cooled.

[00:02:20] Then this week another problem landed. A timing issue meant I had to sell investments to cover a cash shortfall. Again, I thought this could have been avoided if they'd planned properly, like we agreed. I was too upset to even reply to their explanation that the cash solution was simply faster to meet the deadline.

[00:02:44] Rational? Maybe. But trust once cracked makes everything feel shaky. And here's the truth. This upset wasn't really about them. It was about my own story, my own buttons.

[00:03:00] You see, growing up money was dangerous. My father had survived terrifying poverty as a boy during the war, supporting his family alone. As an adult, he worked hard to provide for us, but then almost lost everything gambling his pension away. My mother, furious, took over the finances. He broke as a man, and I watched.

[00:03:28] Their fears of loss, ruin, failure. They scarred me. They made me hypervigilant about money, about control, about mistakes.

[00:03:40] So when my planner slipped, my old wiring lit up. The fear of being betrayed, of losing safety, of falling through the cracks, it all roared back to life. Not because of what actually happened, but because of what it reminded me of.

[00:03:56] But here's the thing, I caught it. I let myself sit with it. I slept on it, poorly as it happened, but I didn't lash out.

[00:04:06] And the next morning I remembered: this person has generally been helpful, professional, energetic, on my side. This wasn't malice, it was human fallibility.

[00:04:17] And then I think about what's happening in Gaza, Both sides suffering so deeply, and my perspective resets. I remind myself again, it's only money. I'm lucky I can absorb these shifts. In five years, will I even remember this? No way.

[00:04:38] I meditated. I found a space where I'm not the victim, where this didn't "happen to me". And in that moment, I reclaimed my ability to choose my response and not be driven by my fear. Because when someone hits your buttons, you can let it define you, or you can let it wake you.

[00:05:03] Next, I'll share a story from a client who got their buttons pushed at work, and then we'll explore how you can practice this same skill in your own life without the inner drama.

[00:05:13] So, one of my clients, a senior project manager in a tech firm came to me, exhausted, resentful, and feeling trapped. Why? Because his boss kept blindsiding him in meetings. Without warning, she'd dropped new deadlines, change project scopes, and expect instant solutions, in front of the whole leadership team.

[00:05:36] Every time he took a gasp, his mind raced, he froze, and he felt that familiar burn of humiliation and pressure. He'd lose his clarity and beat himself up afterwards for not standing his ground or having an answer.

[00:05:52] At first he thought she's the problem. She's chaotic, unreasonable, unfair. Maybe there was a little truth in that, but in coaching, we paused and got curious. What button is she pushing? Why this strong reaction?

[00:06:08] Turned out it was an old story. Growing up, he'd had a demanding, critical father who expected instant answers and punished hesitation.

[00:06:18] His boss wasn't his father, of course, but his nervous system couldn't tell the difference. And once he saw this, things shifted for him. We practiced micro pauses in meetings, a breath, a body check, a silent reminder "I am safe, I can respond". He also prepared clear boundary phrases in advance, like "I'll come back to you on that after I review the scope".

[00:06:45] Small powerful moves, and guess what? The boss's behavior didn't change much, but my client did. He felt more grounded, less hijacked, less drained. The buttons were still there, but they no longer ran the show. And this is the work. Noticing the old story, pausing the reaction, choosing a new response. This way, you begin to reclaim your power.

[00:07:15] Because when you are burned out, one of the first things you lose is your response-ability. The space to pause and choose. Reactivity rises fast. Small things can feel huge.

[00:07:31] Here's the good news. These button pushing moments are actually training grounds. They're invitations to practice self-leadership, chances to gently rewire your nervous system.

[00:07:45] The first opportunity is simple but powerful - to pause, to notice which button just got hit. And to remember, part of your reaction comes not from this moment, but from old stories, old beliefs.

[00:08:02] If you've heard of the Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges, this explains why we react the way that we do. Our vagus nerve, part of the body's ancient safety system, helps decide whether we fight, flee, freeze, or connect. When it senses danger, even wrongly, we lose our calm thinking. We do get hijacked.

[00:08:28] Another helpful model is Internal Family Systems or IFS by Dr. Richard Schwartz described in his book No Bad Parts, IFS teaches us that mind holds different parts, like the fearful part, the angry part, the controlling part. And these parts aren't bad. They're trying to protect us, but they often use old, outdated strategies from childhood. So the real work is to meet these parts with curiosity, not judgment, to help them relax, to let the wiser, calmer core self lead.

[00:09:10] This approach has been life changing for many of my clients and for me. Instead of reacting fast, when a button gets pushed, we learn to pause and gently ask, which part of me just got scared? And what does it need? Above all, when you feel triggered, please don't judge yourself. Don't shame yourself for reacting, because your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

[00:09:38] The skill is to work with it patiently to learn how to diffuse the bomb, not by force, but by listening, by care. That's how response-ability grows again. 

[00:09:54] So let's look at some tools that you can use to help you to do this.

[00:09:59] Tool number one: The Pause.

[00:10:00] When you hear something that alarms you, that inflames your system, just pause and, using the IFS book if necessary, try to name the part of you that got hit. Is it the competent part, the safety seeking part, the approval, wanting part? See if you can learn to track that down. Once you name the part, you gain perspective and more importantly, you are no longer caught inside the problem.

[00:10:31] Tool number two: Depersonalize.

[00:10:33] When you see the part that got hit, you can see that the current circumstance and the people involved are not the real foe. The bomb is internal and can be diffused independently of them.

[00:10:51] People mostly think about themselves, they're far more driven by their own worries and beliefs than by you. So whatever those people said or did, reflects far more on their internal landscape and beliefs than on you

[00:11:06] Remember, too, that your own beliefs can't possibly align with all 8 billion people on the planet. So if you and your adversary do not see eye to eye, simply register that their beliefs are about them and their survival, not about you. Depersonalize anything that sounds like criticism or aggression, assuming it's really inwardly directed at their own failures. Even when their words include your name, it's usually still about them.

[00:11:40] Depersonalization is very good for getting a little bit of distance from the heat of the problem.

[00:11:45] Tool number three: Belly and Breath Reset.

[00:11:50] You've heard this before I know. But practice the simple four breath grounding exercise to widen your response window, to gain a bit of time.

[00:12:01] To do that, simply breathe in deeply to a count of five. Hold for a count of five. Breathe out for a count of five, and then again hold for a count of five.

[00:12:15] Repeating this exercise once or twice will reset your nervous system to a safer or less threatened state, simply because no one breathes slowly and deeply when they're being chased by a tiger. So, it's a physiological response.

[00:12:32] Some calmness and clarity will usually return once you do this.

[00:12:37] Tool number four: Ask, what do I really need?

[00:12:41] Accept for a moment the reality of any remaining emotional reactivity in you and the thoughts cascading through your mind. Recognize that they're not the whole truth. Stay focused on what truly matters.

[00:12:56] Ask yourself, do you need clarity, a boundary, expression, or simply time?

[00:13:05] Pause. Get clear and calmly express what you need. If it's a boundary, by the way, I cover this in detail in episode 21 of this podcast on simple boundary setting. I highly recommend you pick up that skill.

[00:13:24] Tool number five, Self-compassion Reminder

[00:13:26] Throughout any stressful situation, remind yourself frequently- "This moment doesn't define me". It's a practice moment, an opportunity to grow and upskill. Offer your troubled self all the compassion you can muster, especially since you're being triggered most likely to a childhood memory. Be kind to that scared child inside of you.

[00:13:51] So, when someone hits your buttons, it's not the end of your calm, it's the start of your next skill level.

[00:13:58] In burnout recovery coaching, much of the work I do with my clients is to recover power, command, and self support. As the client learns more and more skills to gently stand up for themselves in difficult situations, those difficulties start to melt away, replaced by a sense of competence, acceptance and inclusion.

[00:14:24] Transformation is profound and rarely relies on any external change.

[00:14:30] A simple, powerful step of finding yourself "good enough" eases so many of the burdens that we carry. Stress, anxiety, fatigue, overwhelm, even self-doubt.

[00:14:42] So notice your next button-push moment. Try the pause, see what happens.

[00:14:49] If you want to get better at this fast, reach out for one-on-one support. I offer a free 60 minute consultation, where you can talk to me about your situation and what you want to fix. I already know you're a skilled, capable, good person. All you need is the right method to recover your energy and passion, and I can teach you.

[00:15:12] Thank you for listening today, and tune in next week for more practical tips to conquer stress, anxiety, and burnout.