[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership Podcast where I teach professionals to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends. This is Dex. Welcome to this week's episode on the Burnout Shame Cycle. And if you enjoy this episode today, please share it with your friends and kindly rate or review the podcast because this is how we reach out to the 66% of professionals who felt burnout in the last three months.

[00:00:42] So, feeling a bit stinged around the edges. It's not just you. 

[00:00:45] All right. So high performers really don't like to admit it, but burnout often comes with a hidden passenger shame, and it's that shame that keeps them stuck. So today you'll discover how to recognize and break free from that toxic loop of shame, and invite yourself to see burnout as a sign of unmet needs, not a personal failure.

[00:01:10] I was speaking to a physician in burnout this morning who, like all physicians, has been rigorously trained to just give and keep giving. To always show up, to never say no, and to give exemplary patient care every time, whatever the constraints are that are placed on them at work and whatever sleepless and harassed condition they might be in.

[00:01:33] So this particular physician spoke to me about burnout affecting patient care, bringing anxiety, imposter syndrome, feelings of failure and shame. And then broke down completely saying it was the first time they'd ever spoken about their problems. And if overwork is endemic anywhere, and let's face it, it's endemic almost everywhere, then it's in medicine, a profession where self neglect is almost ritualized.

[00:02:03] And shame is dished out to anyone daring to show signs of weakness or speak up about personal challenges. Shame, of course, thrives on silence. If we drive burnout underground along with other mental health or personal challenges, shame has the field to itself. Is that what's happening for you, perhaps? So let's look at the burnout shame cycle.

[00:02:30] What is that? It starts really with a drive for overwork and over responsibility. If you are a Type A high achiever, your strong work ethic, over responsibility and perfectionism may predispose you to burnout in times of overwhelming adversity, and the trigger might be judgment from above, either implied or actual.

[00:02:59] And if you sense yourself underachieving as well, part of you will agree with the judgment and then feelings of failure or imposter syndrome creep in. Then you start getting burnout symptoms as your confidence flags along with motivation and work rate. You undercut yourself with self-criticism and doubt and succumb to burnout.

[00:03:23] And the primary symptoms include overwork, overwhelm, fatigue, detachment, and loss of purpose, leading to the full cascade of burnout symptoms, and usually further deterioration. Then you'll probably start asking yourself "What's wrong with me?" And this is where the shame comes in, because shame tricks you into thinking burnout's a personal defect, not a warning sign.

[00:03:52] It tells you're not good enough, which is a really deep wound for anyone, let alone a type A high achiever. Shame, of course, is always tied to who you are as a person. If it was tied to something you did, we'd call it guilt, wouldn't we? And guilt is a productive emotion, but shame isn't. Shame can't be resolved by trying harder or in fact, by any remedial action.

[00:04:19] If shame is telling you that who you are is not good enough, then you can't fix that. Shame, on top of that, suggests that you are flawed and unworthy of love and belonging, and that brings up fear in most of us. And when that happens, we start hiding. Shame tells you, in fact, to hide yourself away and be silent.

[00:04:43] This is the toxic side of shame. You may become withdrawn, avoidant, and then isolated. In relationships, the quality of your connections wane. People start to irritate you even with their presence. But withdrawing cuts off emotional support from your allies, and you are now alone, right? Burdened with a problem you can't talk about or solve, and the pain grows. And being alone, of course, does not alleviate that pain.

[00:05:15] Instead, loneliness impacts your personal wellbeing, stress, mood, morale, motivation, confidence and physical symptoms in terms of sleep, energy, digestion, and physical health. 

[00:05:32] So if that's what's happening for you, then feeling vulnerable now, you're going to become more fearful and suspicious and lose trust in other people's motives when you're dealing with them and they're bringing things to you. Feeling unsafe, then, you'll also be hypersensitive to judgment.

[00:05:52] At the same time, you're going to be doubling down. You're going to try to work harder to solve the problem, because that's your M.O. as a high achiever. In your embattled state, though, this is only going to make things worse. It actually thrusts you even deeper into burnout. Impatience, irritation, intolerance, resentment, anxiety, depression, and frustration sweep in and overtake you.

[00:06:21] Your anxious brain is now on red alert. It's all going wrong, so it's primed to look out for further danger, perpetuating the anxiety loop. So how that works is you have an anxious thought, it triggers your amygdala and then you feel unsafe, and this triggers your brain to look for more anxious thoughts. So they just cascade in as an anxiety thought loop. 

[00:06:46] Work performance then drops as your energy, motivation, and confidence are sapped. You might react to this a bit like a cornered rat, snappy and aggressive. And the lack of emotional support prompts you to manage your pain through mood altering behaviors, any addictive process, eating, drinking, smoking, checking your phone, whatever it may be.

[00:07:10] And then self-judgment sets in. You shame and blame yourself for all of this. Your inner critic's on fire. Here's how we restart the burnout shame cycle, which started off with judgment from somebody else. 

[00:07:26] So here is the shame cycle. 

[00:07:28] Step one, you take over responsibility. 

[00:07:32] Step two, there's a judgment that comes at you and that instigates shame.

[00:07:39] Then you start getting into burnout symptoms. That drives shame and a sense of unworthiness- imposter syndrome you might see now. Then you get into withdrawal, which loses all the emotional support you had access to before. And then you've got to double down and try harder, driving yourself further into burnout. Maybe you've got a wellbeing crash by this time, your energy's really tanking, and that will cause you to behave poorly, and then you will self judge even more. 

[00:08:08] So that's the shame cycle. And high performers are especially vulnerable to this, and it's really about early conditioning, we form a belief in childhood that I am what I achieve, and we always reach for those high achievements to satisfy our early needs. And it forms in us an identity that's wrapped in competence and output. We're only as good as our last achievement. We develop toxic beliefs like "I should be able to handle this", or, here's a really common one, "If I burn out, I'm weak or lazy". So we link all of this back to our early success patterns. What worked when we were kids, like us always being the person who pushes through and makes stuff happen.

[00:08:59] And if you are seeking to recognize the signs of shame in yourself, here are some of the things to look out for. Hiding how bad things really are, even from your family or from yourself. Feeling guilty for needing rest. Constant self-judgment. "Others have it worse". Working harder to prove you're still in the game and isolating yourself because you don't want to be a burden, or expose your shame, or risk the stigma of burnout and its consequences. 

[00:09:34] So if you can relate to some of those and you're looking for the signs in yourself, try journaling on your own shame cycle. Just write down how shame comes up for you, where you think it comes from, and what happens to you when you go into shame.

[00:09:50] But really do it very gently, without self blame. So you can really just understand how you got here, and then of course how to reverse back out.

[00:10:01] So if that is you and you think you're in the burnout, shame cycle, then here is how we break the cycle. And breaking the burnout shame cycle is an essential act of self-care that changes everything, allowing you to move forward with burnout recovery. 

[00:10:18] So here we are. Step one, name the shame. " This isn't weakness, it's a sign I've been carrying too much for too long". Acknowledging that your intentions are good and that you always try to do your best is very good ground to start from. 

[00:10:38] Step two, shift the story. "Burnout isn't a flaw, it's a message from my deepest self". And if you hear that, commit to supporting yourself through this necessary transformation to your next phase.

[00:10:51] Step three, safe self-connection. Practice self-compassion, not self-indulgence, nor self-criticism. Ask yourself, "What would I say to a colleague in this exact situation?" And then, listen, allow your heart to guide you. 

[00:11:10] Step four, reach out. Connection really is the antidote to shame. You don't need to solve it all alone. And I would say that coaching with me is a very safe and confidential way to explore and diffuse both shame and burnout, because I've got your back all the way. 

[00:11:29] One of the ways I worked with shame in my own burnout was to see that everything I am started when I was born. All babies are born perfect.

[00:11:40] And if shame now says I'm unworthy of love and belonging, I learned that in childhood. And of course, not to blame my parents for this or anyone else, but equally not to blame myself. So when I worked with shame, as soon as I could work out the dynamics of shame, its sneakiness, its toxicity, its apparent irrefutably, but really it's utter lack of substance.

[00:12:08] And when I understand that, I can revisit my beliefs about myself as an adult and I can modify them at will through coaching. And you can too. 

[00:12:18] So ask yourself, what would your life be like without shame? Imagine this: no Imposter Syndrome, no unworthiness, no fear of judgment. Unfettered access to your authentic self, your good heart, your creativity and flow. And above all, I think ease and joy in relationships. 

[00:12:42] So let's reframe burnout. It's important to remember that you are not broken. You're simply being invited into a more sustainable, meaningful way of being that will be easier for you in your future.

[00:12:57] And also shame dies when stories are told in safe places. And you might like to reflect or journal on this: "What is shame telling me about who I think I should be?" and "How would I like to rewrite that story from a deeper sense of self-belief?" 

[00:13:19] I am going to put a couple of extra resources in the show notes that I think could be very useful. Particularly two books by Brene Brown, the famed shame researcher: "I Thought It Was Just Me", which is on shame and "The Gifts of Imperfection", which is more moving forward from shame. And there's also a book called "No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwartz, and that's about dealing with the inner voices, that are having a bit of an uproar in burnout and producing damaging self-critical thoughts that keep you stuck in burnout. 

[00:13:54] Alright, that's what I have for you today. Thank you for listening. If you are in burnout, come and talk to me, let's make a plan for you to recover. You can book a time at dexrandall.com and tune in next time for more burnout healing ideas.