[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends, this is Dex again. Welcome to this week's episode on Finding Peace. That elusive thing. And I think the only thing we need to do to find peace, because it's our natural state, is to remove the obstacles to peace. And in the Buddhist philosophy, and probably as a basic tenet for most religions when I think about it, peace comes when we drop duality.

[00:00:47] Finding things right or wrong, good or bad. If we have equanimity, we feel peaceful whatever happens. So to get there, we must stop judging and relax with how things are. Sounds very simple. You might think yourself that's implausible to achieve in practice, but really it isn't. It's just a new habit that we can retrain ourselves in.

[00:01:15] So I'm going to dive in today on reducing judgment in order to create peace. Since I've personally found this a very effective process, I have trained myself to create waves of peace on demand through my own body. And if I can do it, I'm pretty sure you can too. And I'm going to train you how, by the way, if you join me for burnout recovery coaching, I will train you in this and your life will never be the same again.

[00:01:47] And the reason it's coming up at the moment is I've been doing some renewed work lately on judgment. You might have listened to episode number 147 on judging others. Judgment, as a self defeating and alienating concept, came to my attention when I was following the personal healing and reinvention work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. And if you don't know Dr. Joe, I came across him in 2016. He's a chiropractic doctor and researcher who effectively supported his own recovery journey from a complex major spinal injury after he was hit by a four wheel drive during a triathlon competition. And in case you're curious, I'll link to a video of his origin story in the show notes.

[00:02:40] Anyway, what attracted me to Dr. Joe's work is that he took charge of his own destiny by managing his thoughts, beliefs, feelings, energy, will, and thus power. He changed the emotional signature of his being using meditation and intention. He stopped referencing his past.

[00:03:05] He changed who he was being, or how he was being, every day to create a new future that really resonated with that new self expression. And perhaps that sounds a little bit woo woo to you. It did to me and that just made me really curious about it. Because Dr. Joe has conducted a lot of research,

[00:03:30] measuring things like energy in the heart, the brain, to discover how we can directly effect changes in our mental and physical health. So he enlists quantum physics, neuroscience, epigenetics, and spirituality to explore how it's possible for us to create spontaneous remission, particularly is his thing.

[00:03:56] And by the way, after his spinal injury, he was back at triathlon training after 12 weeks, never had further problems. And, Dr. Joe was a little bit down before his accident. He had probably pretty low expectations for his future. He was pretty glum. And in burnout, we're much the same, aren't we?

[00:04:15] Depressed, anxious, bleak, despondent, hopeless. We're expecting the worst of every day. Convinced that's all we're going to get. It's all we're due. But what if that's not true? What if we deserve love, connection, contentment and joy? But we're looking for it in all the wrong places. Spending all our time conjuring up the worst case scenarios.

[00:04:40] And the reason I'm putting it that way is because that's how I was in burnout. And although my mind was a dumpster fire of negativity, and it was acidly painful to me, I couldn't stop. Everything that I was telling myself just seemed like the truth. That bad stuff was happening. That I had no one onside to help me.

[00:05:02] That I needed to protect myself from everyone and everything, as my world imploded. The sky was falling in. Only later, much, much later, after I recovered, did I really see how false my narrative had been. How poorly my brain, that logical, analytical, precision instrument, that meaning making machine, how poorly it had been serving me.

[00:05:29] How it had bent every fact to fit my anxiety and despair, to reflect my poor self esteem, to prove that the world was against me. And the further I retreated into my fear, away from connection with others, into isolation, the deeper into the pit of fire I descended. In hindsight, it was all untrue. It wasn't realistic.

[00:05:56] My thoughts were just thoughts. The process of destruction was almost entirely internal.

[00:06:05] And now I really see that aspect of burnout in me as an anxiety addiction, because the hormones of anxiety are addictive hormones. We get stuck in the anxiety loop for a whole bunch of reasons that I've spoken about elsewhere. See my episode number four on anxiety. And when we drift further and further from reality, unable to trust our minds, suspicious of other people, increasingly seeing our daily experiences as threats, becoming weaker, more tired, more sick, more alone in our mind, body and spirit, defending our turf more and more desperately.

[00:06:47] And that's kind of burnout, isn't it? Or the path to burnout. And the World Health Organization in 2019 labeled burnout an occupational phenomenon, not a medical condition. Thankfully, I always think. But here's their definition of burnout. I quote, "Burnout is a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.

[00:07:15] It's characterized by three dimensions. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; increased mental distance from one's job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job; and reduced professional efficacy. Burnout refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life."

[00:07:45] End quote. Really? That's it?

[00:07:49] I see that as maybe a part of the story. I wonder what you think. World Health Organization, I think you've particularly misunderstood the genesis. It isn't work. It can't be, because otherwise 100 percent of people at a burnout inducing workplace would be experiencing burnout. Rather, it's my understanding that people in burnout have experiences in common and those experiences occur in childhood.

[00:08:17] Their childhood needs were not met. And they developed coping strategies such as perfectionism, people pleasing, being hard driven, overworking, impatience, and judging themselves hard. And such traits are not developed in the workplace as adults. However, they do create a huge amount of stress. in the workplace and can result in a person trying ever harder to achieve success, status, acceptance, security, and so on.

[00:08:50] And failing that, failing to fill that hole inside of them, failing to connect in deeply satisfying ways with themselves, their work, and other people, bashing their heads against the rock of infallibility and impossible super performance for long enough can of course result in burnout. And the tragedy of this is that such people, exhibiting what are really lifelong Type A behaviors, become one trick ponies at trying to fix it.

[00:09:25] All they know how to do to fix burnout is try harder. Hold themselves to even higher standards. Demand more effort of themselves. Ingratiate themselves further. Invent more ways to win. Whip other people into shape. Apply stricter discipline to their own efforts. Trying to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

[00:09:48] Even when that discipline has long ago succumbed to exhaustion. And all of that I've just said is why I do the work that I do. And you can hear how passionate I am about it. Everything I've described here applies equally to me in my burnout. You weren't there then, you don't know about it, but it wasn't pretty.

[00:10:08] I had a heart attack for one thing. So you can bet I've put a lot of energy over the last eight years into healing myself and then learning how to support other people out of burnout. And in the process, I've discovered that healing the pain of our childhoods, and seeing ourselves differently as adults, yields a permanent recovery. Appreciating at last that we are not defective or inadequate, not socially deficient, not broken, not unacceptable, not needing to prove our worth, and not needing, in fact, to change anything about ourselves. Instead, understanding that we are exactly who we were divinely intended to be. Because every human has flaws and so do we,

[00:10:57] but that in no way detracts from our perfection. Or, since I know you're wondering, our brilliance, our value, usefulness and success. Our ability to form deep and rich human connections. The fullness of love in our hearts. Or our ability to be happy. It's all still on the table, whether you're in burnout or not.

[00:11:22] Frankly, I have done a lot of work on myself and I continue to do that. And I do live on a vastly different plane these days than when I was in burnout. I see myself and life differently. I became, on the way there, much less wedded to my own beliefs and more curious about the world. I no longer question my own basic goodness or punish myself

[00:11:50] for my perceived shortcomings. I've got a much better sense of humour about the stupid things I do, the daft choices I make that are a legacy of my past, and which I can now just very gently correct as they come up, rather than smashing myself over the head with them. I also now believe that professional status is a mirage.

[00:12:13] It's a cover up for inner lack of faith. And our need for that professional status comes from insufficiency. And we're in charge of that. We can rebuild that. People do, of course, respect us for our work achievements, but they connect with us through our flaws, our humanity, our humility, generosity of spirit, our grace under fire, and above all, our willingness to offer these tiny little tendrils of love and support to others, even when they stuff up, even when their underbelly is exposed and they're in strong reactivity.

[00:12:59] Even when their pain drives them to unhelpful behavior, even where we would previously have judged them. They're hurting, we extend the hand instead as often as we're able. So really, in this context, my work on judgment lately, which sprang up from the tiniest, most insignificant event, my odd defiance of runners running against the traffic in the bike lane.

[00:13:29] Because like Dispenser, I'm a triathlete and a cyclist. So that's what brought the judgment thing to my attention again in recent weeks. And I, about the running in the bike lane thing, I got so riled up about it that in the end, it just struck me as absurd. And I had to ask myself, why? What on earth was bothering me?

[00:13:49] Or what, even what high horse was I on? And I really started using some of Dr. Joe's work to help me out of that bind. Again, as it has before. He proposes a meditative process about teaching yourself, your mind, beliefs, feelings, reactivity, to let go of old unconscious patterns of thought and behavior that aren't serving you.

[00:14:19] It asks you to give up the old negative feeling, which in my case was judgment, with the runners. I was judging the runners and that's the feeling I wanted to let go. So I've been practicing this for the last few weeks, feeling this flicker of judgment arise every single time I see a runner in the bike lane and noticing my judgment and just very gently releasing it, changing my mind.

[00:14:46] And when I'm noticing the judgment, I also notice all the other feelings that hang off the back of that, such as alarm, Anxiety, resentment, righteousness, outrage, defeat, defensiveness, even fear.

[00:15:02] I notice those feelings and I have a little chuckle and I choose to let them all go as well.

[00:15:09] I start looking for how I actually don't understand the runner and when I realize I don't understand them, I can become curious about who they really are and what their experience is. Finding a wonderful thought about what a lovely person they probably are.

[00:15:28] Then I forgive. I forgive them. I forgive me. It's all let go. And I move on in my day, with a twinkle in my eye of indulgent compassion for my human flaws. And my heart then feels somehow bigger, lighter, more open. And I find peace in that moment. Of course, that's not the end of the story.

[00:15:51] After I started working on judgment, now I have to notice each time it comes up during my day in any context at all. And I start working more skillfully with it, letting it go, becoming curious about why it came up in the first place. Naturally, I recognize a strong streak of judgment in my parents. But I don't blame them, or justify myself with that knowledge.

[00:16:18] I just notice and I wonder. And to be honest, I am slightly shocked at all the judgment I need to reframe each day. There's more of it than I imagine, but when I do reframe it, it ensures that it comes up less in the future. And I also notice, while I'm having this experiment, how relieving it is. How much more belonging I feel, how much calmer I feel when I release that judgment, how my heart opens and I feel immediately peaceful and relaxed.

[00:16:51] And to be clear, I don't mention my judgment to anyone else. It doesn't go past the thought in my head. So at least I'm not doing harm with my words or deeds. At worst with my energy, which admittedly can be quite strong. It's a bit of a force field. But what I'm doing here really is I am working on transforming my thoughts so that I don't perpetuate them in the future.

[00:17:18] You with me? Seeing anything in this that might be helpful to you in your situation? Because the person who suffers most from our judgment is not our workmates, our spouse, our children. It's us. We're the one who can't avoid its incessant babble. It's our heart and our arteries that are hardening, our minds that close.

[00:17:43] We're the ones who can't afford to hang on to it any longer. And if we, and I'm talking about people susceptible to anxiety and burnout here, are suffering from judging others. If we learned that in our childhood, it's been dogging our steps ever since. And if that's true, then two more things are probably true.

[00:18:06] Number one, we probably judge ourselves just as harshly. Our inner critic is probably severe and relentless. Which necessarily darkens our experience of life, work, people and ourselves. It compounds our daily pain and it creates more bitterness, anxiety, fear and alienation. So really, if that's you, it really is worth attending to.

[00:18:33] Of course, it's not your fault if you're judgmental. You were taught at a young age to be this way, and it's just been your default. As you can see from my example, it's perfectly possible to heal from inner and outer judgment, to be kinder to yourself and others, to live a gentler, more harmonious, more loving life.

[00:18:54] Engaged and enjoyable life to open your heart to joy. And I can teach you how, because this is a really vital part of burnout recovery. If your life is filled with vitriol, that's not loving to you. And we can fix it. That's number one. Number two, here's the kicker. Judgment really rests on fear We're not judgmental to pass the time of day, we're judgmental because we feel threatened.

[00:19:26] Something is unsafe, something someone else did, something we did, it's going to result in rejection, retaliation, loss, hurt, etc. Because if we experience threat, our brain immediately goes to, okay, what's happening? And we look around ourselves and we judge the person from whom we think the threat is coming.

[00:19:49] And when we judge them, we automatically distrust them, and there's a legacy of that. And if we distrust them, we automatically disconnect from them. So if that threat leads to judgment, leads to distrust, leads to disconnection cycle, is happening all day, every day within us, then gradually we'll be judging, distrusting and disconnecting from more and more people.

[00:20:17] It's a compounding cycle that escalates with time. The more we judge, the less we trust. And of course vice versa.

[00:20:26] Until what happens at the end of this cycle is we're left all alone and friendless in this closed system, this microcosm of judgment. And in Burnout, we're going to the in extremis version of this. This is where Self neglect and self abandonment come in. We don't find ourselves good and worthy.

[00:20:47] We judge ourselves. We distrust ourselves. And we promptly abandon ourselves and neglect our own human needs, just like our parents did. So judgment, then, is just our mental note to ourself that something has to change for us to feel safe, accepted, and happy. But of course we don't change because the judgment cycle is unconscious.

[00:21:15] We tend to act out on someone else instead, and this harms our relationships, all of them, unconsciously. So the path of destruction of judgment really is quite broad. However, if you are judgmental, if you recognize some of this happening for you, and you yourself have failed to change that, please don't blame yourself for it.

[00:21:39] It's normal. You're defending yourself as you see fit, It's a knee jerk reaction to what happens when you feel threatened without conscious awareness. So you feel the pain of judgment, even if it's you judging someone else , but the underlying reasons are left unchallenged.

[00:22:02] Hence me following Dr. Joe's work at the moment and also the work that I do with clients to help unburden, to become conscious of how we're hurting ourselves and our relationships and our success and our enjoyment, and to start consciously making different choices. We're basically re rewiring our brains and habits.

[00:22:26] We're bringing the whole thing conscious so that we can create a better future for ourselves. So there we are. Dr. Joe and his bicycle. Me and my bicycle. Peace. And how you already possess the power to heal from judgment, anxiety, self criticism, overwork, lack of belonging, distrust, imposter syndrome, failure, despair.

[00:22:54] And ultimately, this is how you can heal from burnout. To create the richer, more rewarding life you've always wanted and truly deserve. To let yourself find peace. By the way, you don't need a bicycle to recover, but you do need coaching to help you resolve burnout and inner judgment to live a better life.

[00:23:16] Please, if you're in burnout, please don't choose to remain there and try and figure it out for yourself. If that was going to work, it probably would have already, because I know you're very smart. And typically Type A people don't like asking for help. But this is one time you will never regret.

[00:23:36] Because I'm going to take you on a transformational journey that you can't even see from where you are. One that will change your life forever. And if you want a take away from today, here it is. Dr. Joe's conclusion is that gratitude, self knowledge, inspiration and action create this personal transformation, this healing.

[00:23:57] As he said, at its essence, when you are grateful now, gratitude means that the experience has already happened. It's the ultimate state of receivership. So that's what I have for you today. Come and see me if you would like to trade your judgment for gratitude and create a different experience of your life for yourself.

[00:24:22] Let's make a plan for you to recover. Come and talk to me. The recovery you create in burnout coaching is quick, it's sustainable, and you're going to bring yourself back to your best performance, leadership, success, and most of all enjoyment inside work and out. Make an appointment at DexRandall. com. And please, if you enjoyed this episode, help me out. Rate and review the podcast or share the podcast with your friends who are in chronic stress, anxiety, judgment even, and burnout. Thank you for listening.