[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends, this is Dex, and welcome to this week's episode on judging others. Which can be one of our most common pastimes in burnout, even though it's usually a hollow victory. And after the surge of superiority, we don't truly enjoy it. And often we feel wretched, guilty, and ashamed afterwards.

[00:00:47] And I'm doing this today because I've got a problem with judgment myself, that I'm working with in myself at the moment. And it's the most trivial and ridiculous example of judgment. And it makes me quite interested in why I've maintained it for so long. So here's what's happening for me. It's about runners, running down the road against the traffic in the bike lane when I'm in the bike lane on my bike going the other way.

[00:01:16] And I had a bike accident, pretty serious one in 2018. I had a high speed crash T-boned a car that came across the front of me. Catapulted into his windscreen, cartwheeled off down the road, ended up in hospital for three months. As a cyclist I've got form in the accident department. It wasn't too much fun at all, but it still doesn't really explain or excuse why I'm having such a judgment problem with runners running at me in the cycle lane.

[00:01:46] Answer that one for yourself. Anyway, this is the work I've been doing and I'm sharing it with you today. So, a warning first of all, if this is the first episode you're listening to of this podcast, maybe skip it for a time because it's really not an easy topic. It's not a beginner topic. If you're a new listener, you might want to pop back to episodes one to five of the podcast first because that will support you on starting your journey.

[00:02:11] Because this episode may bring up strong feelings in you if you're in burnout. And of course, I'm working for you here, never against. I'm not judging you, but you might receive what I'm going to say today in some parts as tough love. And if you do, or if you don't, please offer yourself kindness in your reactions to yourself, whatever they may be.

[00:02:37] Be gentle with yourself. That said, if you're experiencing burnout and you notice your mind is pretty strong on judgment right now, whether justified or unjustified, take note, listen to your inner voices. What are they trying to tell you? Because really judgment or self judgment is one of the strongest indications of the intensity of your suffering and burnout

[00:03:03] and your need to take action to remedy that burnout. This is a little bit of a warning sign that you're at your edge and it's best not ignored. And I want to talk about judging specifically today because when we are in burnout, our inner critic is on fire, isn't it? It's burning down the temple of our soul.

[00:03:27] And we experience the scorching pain of that all day, every day, relentlessly in our red strained eyes, our throbbing heads and our crunched up shoulders. But sadly, we don't reserve this pain for ourself. Typically in burnout, we feel so rough, so exhausted, so harassed, so under our game that we feel unsafe, just walking about in our homes, in our workplace, on the streets, almost anywhere.

[00:03:56] And there's an ever present sense of threat, isn't there? Like this axe swinging over our head. Once we're no longer able to take care of ourselves effectively. Once we can't protect ourselves from censure, from pain, then we become hyper vigilant to threats of all kinds. And then, we become very defensive and bite back, don't we?

[00:04:21] If you're anything like me, you do. But really, that's fair, that's really all we can do once we're broken. When we're that depleted and raw. When our own system is imploding, Other people become a little bit of our collateral damage. And sometimes even though we can kind of see that many of the perceived threats in the world are not even real.

[00:04:46] That we realistically aren't that likely to suffer all of the adversity, animosity, and deprivation that in our weakness we feel is our due. That statistically it can't all happen. We're not, in reality, open to the level of detriment, accusation, and harm that we're so terrified of. But although all that's true, also, it's true that our behavior is not stellar.

[00:05:17] We're grouchy and unreceptive to people, friend and foe alike. And we're very low on social credit because of this, still people know us. We might have lost sight of our own good nature, and other people may have temporarily too. Yet they remember our history with them, our previous successes, our previous generosity and support.

[00:05:43] Even when we ourselves forget. We're so busy flogging ourselves for our failures and omissions, real and perceived. In truth, we're actually so busy feeling sorry for ourselves and scared, humiliated, defeated, lifeless and helpless. We're just desperate to find a new shell to crawl into that's going to protect us from pain.

[00:06:10] And we probably come across then as quite prickly, but quite needy, looking for approval and salvation everywhere. Grasping at every excuse for our inability to perform. Surely this has to be somebody else's fault, right? So if you recognize yourself in some of that, that's good. I think it's really helpful in perhaps providing the impetus you need to make some changes for yourself and to look after yourself a little bit differently.

[00:06:42] It's only really going to be a problem recognizing those behaviors in yourself if you ignore the prompt and don't take any action, because then my friend, things are pretty likely to get worse. So I hope you're going to think about how much more suffering you really want to bear, because the other option is to start burnout recovery, which will take you to a place where pleasure, energy, enthusiasm and connection still exist.

[00:07:12] So if you want to go back there, if you're ready to let go, I encourage you to ask yourself, if you knew it wouldn't take any extra energy or goodwill on your part, just making a decision, would you decide to start burnout recovery? Would you decide to get better? Because you don't need to know how to do it, but you do need to be willing to call it.

[00:07:37] You need to be willing to reach out and ask for a little bit of help. And since in 2024, 66 percent of the workforce said they experienced burnout over the last three months, you are not alone. How could there possibly be stigma? 66 percent of the people! And think about it this way. If you're in conflict with your boss or people at work, your boss is probably burned out too.

[00:08:04] Suffering in silence, wondering what the **** to do. Hoping, like you probably, that no one's going to call them on it. But really the good thing about burnout recovery, particularly burnout recovery with coaching, is that it's private, it's confidential, and you will finally have somebody who is

[00:08:22] unequivocally in your corner and who knows how to help you. So if you are ready to receive, come and talk to me. Visit DexRandall. com. Tell me what's pissing you off and let's make a plan to apply the straightforward process of recovery to your personal situation. .

[00:08:43] It really hurts me to think about people who are staying in burnout longer than it's really necessary. Debatably, it's not necessary at all, but I hate to think about people dwelling in burnout when an alternative is available and it is actually quite simple and very reliable.

[00:08:57] Anyway, that's that. So whether you do that or not, meanwhile, Let's talk about judgment today, which is for sure one of the biggest pain points of burnout because if you're overworked, underappreciated, pressured, spread far too thin, never given the support you need, then judgment really is the lone defender of you.

[00:09:24] I know you're a good person. I know you have skills, a good work ethic, and you want to do a good job. But your ego will demand of you that you blame other people for your predicament. Your self blame will also be at an all time high. So why should others get off scot free? Didn't they create your burnout in the first place?

[00:09:46] Isn't it their poxy job that's killing you? I'm laughing because if you've listened to me before, we can debate that point later. You have hidden in the dark recesses of your heart, away from all the flamethrowers, much more power than you think over your destiny. And I can help you to bring that power safely back on deck so that you can feel good again.

[00:10:13] You don't need to depend on others. But coming back to your ego then, the blaming ego, the ego that's all bluster and righteousness, ready to judge others as harshly as it judges you. It's a bit like a cornered rat, really. Your ego, like anyone's, has to believe you are mighty as prescribed. So pushing other people's heads underwater, making them seem less than, is an option of last resort,

[00:10:44] when you're not winning. Refer my earlier warning to take note if your subconscious is behaving in this way. It's trying to tell you something. And I really doubt that what it's trying to tell you is that the world is evil or against you. It's actually trying to save you. Because the trouble with judging, apart from the fact that it's mostly ineffective at creating positive change, is that judging others doesn't feel good because of the backlash.

[00:11:14] We puff ourselves up and we judge and judge and judge, venting our spleen in the full conviction that the other person has behaved like an ass and should probably be jailed. And we can justify this for the full 10 or 20 minutes if you will hear us. I could definitely talk to you for 20 minutes about how the runner in the bike lane is doing wrong.

[00:11:37] I could. I gotta laugh at myself for that. So we can justify our beliefs for as long as people will listen. We might recruit other people as allies if they agree. We might build a movement hating on this person together, making a virtue of our dissent, trying to get them cancelled even. Then at some point the puff goes out of us and we turn on ourselves, probably at 2am in the morning because part of us knows that we really don't hate them, that they're probably not all bad, that our claims don't have unilateral credibility, that above all we don't want to invest all our energy in fighting this stupid battle that we in any case can't win.

[00:12:27] When I was training, there's another story. When I was training to become a life coach back in 2017 there was a doctor in the class whose colleague had taken his own life in a room just down the corridor from hers. And she'd taken up the banner to prevent physician burnout and suicide and was learning the skills she needed

[00:12:48] to support others in distress and to campaign for change in the medical industry, to support doctors mental health and wellbeing. I applaud her completely and I'm motivated by exactly the same forces in my work with physicians and other medical professionals. I'm an ardent supporter of physician well being, better work conditions,

[00:13:11] respect and creating more effective safeguards against suicide, burnout and moral injury. So when I talk about judgment, I'm not talking about this kind of positive, supportive activism. I'm talking about feeling individually spent and attacked and conning yourself that attacking back is going to help.

[00:13:39] My intention here is to protect you from further harm, including from any coping strategies that you may currently use to mitigate burnout, but in the longterm, only increase or prolong your suffering. Because burnout recovery, It's about thriving. It's about ease, joy, connection, and the return of passion.

[00:14:03] So if you're in burnout and you want to fight the system, your organization, or your boss, colleagues, clients, I really heartily recommend that you recover from burnout first. So you've got fire in your belly that you can employ in positive ways to gather support and create positive change. Because coming back to judgment, judgment after all is pronouncing that other people should behave in ways that suit your personal belief system.

[00:14:37] Whereas, in fact, adults behave in ways that align with their own belief system, whatever that may be. And sadly, it's too late to change their mind. Because really, you would have needed to be present during their childhood to have that much influence over them. Childhood beliefs are very sticky, beliefs on family, work, money, time people, respect, relationships, religion, education, food, really all the major themes of life.

[00:15:11] By the time we're adults, we are entrenched in thousands of beliefs that we ingested as kids. That we have subsequently treated as fact, as they become part of our ego. So we see them then as just the way the world is, or should be. And therefore, when we judge other people as adults, it's rare that it accomplishes more than putting people's noses out of joint and losing us friends or status.

[00:15:41] You will have no doubt discovered this domestically, because it's really hard to influence behavior change in your partner, no? If an adult behaves in a way that you don't appreciate, you can mention it and suggest or request a behavior that you prefer, but to be successful, you'll mostly need to offer some upside for them.

[00:16:06] You'll need to invite change from their better nature and let them know how that will ease relationships with you and bring forth behaviors from you, perhaps, that they like. Many adults instead try to control their partner through complaining or remonstrating, or by resorting to some sort of withdrawal, contrary behavior, humiliation, perhaps, threat, or the extreme end attack.

[00:16:34] It's actually amazing that we do this, for how poorly it actually works. We're conning ourselves all the way, really, aren't we? Because humans, we're all both good and bad, both right and wrong. And we can mostly be relied on to try to protect our own interests and our own people. But basically, humans have good hearts and if they hide those hearts from us, it's self protection.

[00:17:03] So taking sides in any argument, it's a little futile. Ultimately, we only see a small part of another person's perspective. Our understanding is always incomplete and we could be quite mistaken. Or maybe if we knew their truth, it might invoke our sympathy or care. It might prompt us to want to offer kindness or to work out a solution together.

[00:17:30] We might find That our heart perks up and empathizes, shattering our dream of needing to be superior or right. The truth, if we knew it, might make fools of us and our trivial judgment, and open the door to connection, same side connection. And from that comes the ultimate safety that we're seeking all along, that safety of belonging.

[00:17:57] Because conflict really is dangerous. Not so much physically as psychically. Choosing to stand alone puts us automatically at odds, in a very vulnerable position. It cuts us off from the support of our fellows. There really is much wisdom in invoking our hearts, seeking some way out of the situation that doesn't ramp up our own feelings of vulnerability and suffering, that doesn't cause us to be reactive, that doesn't leave us further isolated, entrenched in our own pain and leaving the other person in their pain.

[00:18:36] My belief really is that a person who behaves poorly is doing so from their own pain, fear and inadequacy. Generally, a person who judges separates themselves from others and the fear of this separation isn't worth the modest victory over others. Perhaps we can practice non judgment and let others work out their own karma?

[00:19:02] So I'm saying this to maybe influence you a little bit to one day, when someone treads on your toes and the stakes aren't too high, you might feel a little bit like blowing up at them but not too invested in it. And could you instead pause for a moment and get curious? Can you seek to understand the other person's behavior more and understand their point of view?

[00:19:26] What pressures are they under? Why is what they're doing the right thing for them? What have they learned about correct behavior in this particular context? How are they fearful of what might happen? Who in their world are they trying to protect? Because if we take a counter position, if we choose to judge, to object, to call out, how do we know we're right?

[00:19:55] Can we be sure? Are we right for us or for them? What if our judgment is merely adding more suffering to the situation. Because now, of course, our contribution is oppositional. We're giving out negative emotion, negative energy. We're fighting, we're attacking. We're actually hating on them a little bit. And who is the person who feels that hatred the most?

[00:20:22] It's us. It's inside us. We carry that negative energy in our body. Regardless of how the other person reacts, we're poisoning ourselves with negativity. With anxious and fearful hormones flooding our body. We're also disrupting harmony externally. We're showing people that we hate, and for what? So people will start walking on eggshells around us?

[00:20:50] Even if we can justify our judgment, so what? And then we invite retaliation, or escalation, or the spread of opinions about the situation. We might incite other people to join in. And the harm might deepen and spread. Also, we cultivate our own ill will. We ramp it up. We strengthen our need to be right. And all of this really, we're just cheapening our own souls with our mean response.

[00:21:22] And externally, have we also then made ourselves a target? Did we mark our own card? I think really it's time to ask something like, How can we be the loving, acceptable, and decent person we want to be on the inside, if we are not offering that to other people? It's pretty difficult to behave differently towards ourselves than we do towards others and vice versa.

[00:21:49] It's very hard if we have an outburst against someone to imagine that two wrongs will make a right. And all the same, I know it's impossible to act from our personal best when we're battered in burnout. Our coping mechanisms are really last ditch and they do us little credit quite often. And although that is of itself terribly painful for us, in burnout it is normal.

[00:22:17] We're just not at our best, and that's that. So if that's happening for you, there's no need to beat yourself up about that. That won't help. The question does become then, okay, if I'm not being the person I want to be, or not treating other people how I want to be treated, then how can I create enough strength, enough calm, enough confidence and security in myself, feel good enough about myself, that I don't need to correct the behavior of others in order to feel okay, to feel justified.

[00:22:52] How can I become that person, the good me, that when I feel safe can operate generously from a full and tender heart? And that brings us full circle. I don't know who you are, listening to this. But I believe in you already. I believe in your good heart. And that's why I coach Burnout Recovery. Recovery restores you to your good heart, your good energy, your strength and confidence.

[00:23:17] Burnout Recovery restores your sense of safety and okayness. So you can go out in the world taking care of yourself and others with compassion. Burnout recovery quiets the fear and anxiety that spawns defensiveness and judgment. It's how you're going to find a more peaceful way of being. And I think letting go of judgment is like dropping a millstone you've been carrying on your shoulder for years.

[00:23:46] Because it isn't your job to police all the humans. You don't need to be that person. Be you. The real you. The you who is enough. And love that person that you are. Until the love that you feel for yourself overflows onto the people around you. And if that's something that you would like, and if you are now in burnout and you're ready to seek recovery, Come and talk to me for free at DexRandall. com. I wish you all the very best and I wish you the path that you would wish for yourself on the issue of judgment. Thank you so much for listening today. If you enjoyed the episode, please do help me reach more people in burnout by rating and reviewing the podcast and sharing the podcast with your friends.

[00:24:35] Also, if you'd like to SMS me your thoughts about this episode or anything else, you can do that in the link in the show notes.