[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello again, my friends, this is Dex. Welcome to this week's episode on how to believe in yourself. A strangely elusive concept for many of us. But I think if you don't have a strong belief in yourself now, and if you're not reaching your dreams, if you've got, for example, an overactive inner critic, the question is, are you fed up enough yet?

[00:00:47] Are you ready to change? Because if you are, let's talk about that a little bit today. And I think, there's plenty of reasons why we might not have a strong belief in ourselves. I think our culture in the West is not particularly supportive of that compared to some other cultures and a lot of us learn in childhood that we do a lot of things wrong and we get told off for doing things and we stop believing that we're a good enough human, I think, quite young in our lives because of that.

[00:01:20] Not to criticize parenting, obviously there's a lot of correction required in parenting. But I think fundamentally we're not inspired to think of ourselves as good enough people. I certainly don't remember there being any emphasis at all on that in my upbringing. And perhaps I think on the part of my parents it was they'd seen the difficulties in their own lives and they didn't really want me to get too puffed up with big ideas and think I could achieve great things

[00:01:54] and thereby be very disappointed. Because I think those disappointments have come pretty hard to them in their lives. They did grow up in a very difficult era. So you know, no parent blame here, it's just If we got the dreams beaten out of us for our own good as kids, I think it is explained by the previous generations and how they've experienced lives, particularly the level of disappointment and fear and trauma that people would have had during the wartime for my parents, my grandparents.

[00:02:27] But anyhow, I think nowadays when we're in a bit more disconnected generation as well, there's more of us trying to strive to be in the top few percent that we're presenting ourselves on social media as these flawless creatures. I can't say I'm pulling that one off myself, but and I think other people become jealous of us if we're successful, or we become jealous of others if they're successful. Maybe, even more than in the past. And in Australia, we've got this thing called the tall poppy syndrome. One who sticks their head up is the one who gets the target on their back and get brought down again.

[00:03:03] It's an Australian thing that's almost celebrated here, which I find interesting. And I also think we're brought up to be a little bit modest, most of us, to be a little bit meek. We don't want to come across as too arrogant. Or too selfish and self centered. We don't want to appear too clever, many of us.

[00:03:22] Not too stupid, but also not too clever. And a lot of the ways that we believe about ourselves and about others are really about fitting in and about needing to belong. Which is normal, right? This is the animal trying to be the member of the herd. Of course we want to belong and necessarily most of us will adapt in order to have that. It's also a little bit easier to be a follower than to be a leader, isn't it? So a lot of us will fall into line. And I think for me, particularly in my upbringing, class and family social status. My parents really grew up in an era of curtain twitching as well, watching the neighbors.

[00:04:07] What do the neighbors think of us? What do I think of the neighbors? I did always think it was a bit odd, why on earth do we care what the neighbours are doing? But my parents were very middle class, lower to middle class actually.

[00:04:19] But that was very important in their social settings and in the clubs they belong to and things like that. So we weren't encouraged to rise above our station, to get airs about ourselves. Who do you think you are to go up there and do these things? But my personal experience was also about having difficulty believing myself through my difference.

[00:04:43] Any minority is likely to build up some self belief around not being good enough after the way that they're treated as a minority. Because it's very easy for the majority to have a go at the minority, isn't it? I think also, fear of failure comes into it. Our beliefs about ourselves are that maybe we shouldn't try too many things in this life in case we fail and look dumb.

[00:05:12] It was certainly a big thing for me. I was very bad as a child at exams. I probably still am. If I took them now, I'd probably find the same thing. I couldn't believe in myself to take exams and pass them, no matter how well I knew the material.

[00:05:25] And I didn't want to take exams because my fear of failure was so enormous. And so we get then this feeling of unworthiness, low self esteem that comes along with that. In my growing up period, we didn't have any really obvious reflecting back of our unique wonders as kids, or our gifts.

[00:05:48] We didn't feel like other people believed in us. It's almost like they, they tolerated us, but we were pretty naughty, pretty badly behaved. We got a lot of stuff wrong and we were inconvenient. I didn't have the experience of having gifts appreciated, and I don't think I'm the only one there. And it's always in contrast to me later in my life when I studied a lot of Buddhism, And I learned about the Tibetan culture where their children are taught that they're perfect.

[00:06:17] They have inner perfection from birth that is indelible. And when those kids are naughty or they do something that's inappropriate, they say it's just like a cloud passing in front of the sun. It doesn't defeat the perfection in them, it just obscures it for a moment. And then they self correct and it's okay.

[00:06:40] And I thought how wonderful it would have been to grow up in a society like that. Where there's a culture of kindness and a culture of spirituality, but also service and belonging to community. So whatever your kind of stripe is of not believing in yourself at the level that you would like to,

[00:07:01] Let's have a look at what happens when we don't really Believe in ourselves as strongly as we could. So really, it affects all of the choices we make in life. The things we do and don't say about ourselves, the things we choose to try or choose not to try.

[00:07:19] And many of us are hiding our light, staying small, not rocking the boat, just staying in the background. And serving other people's expectations, because we haven't developed very strong expectations for ourselves, believing that we couldn't in any case attain them. So we let others lead, no matter how frustrating we might find that. And really, I think it's a shame, because this leaves our own genius unexplored. And in business as well, if we're carrying a lack of belief into business, usually it means we're not going to be as successful as we could be. We're basically leaving money on the table if we're not promoting our own interests Because we don't believe in ourselves that strongly.

[00:08:02] We're not daring to be different. Go against the grain. Speak our mind if we don't agree with the common vote, if you like. And I was quite self limited when I grew up, because I didn't believe I could do very much at all. And I really super wanted to go and work in the Natural History Division at the BBC.

[00:08:23] So they did the filmmaking out of Bristol, which is where I grew up. And I always wanted to go and work with them. It seemed like the best thing ever. And my mum told me that I wasn't the kind of person who could do that, and I dismissed it immediately. And later I went to university, I was the first person in my family to go to university, and I decided to go there when I was very young.

[00:08:45] I really believed that I was going to go to university and study maths. And sure enough, I actually did. My parents were a bit floored by that, even though my dad's an aircraft engineer and my mum was a teacher. It never occurred to them to promote the idea of me going to uni, and when I went, they were a little bit startled.

[00:09:05] So I don't know, I've taken a few tracks in my life which have Surprised even me, because I didn't know I believed in myself to that extent, but sometimes I get excited by an idea and I can't help myself and off I go. And for the record, it's always worked out, apart from the Attenborough thing which was a dead in the water at the beginning. But if we don't do that, if we don't dare to be different, if we think of ourselves as not having the capacities to forge our own path, then really I think we kowtow to what other people's drivers are, whatever they want, and whatever their expectations might be. And we become a people pleaser or a yes man.

[00:09:41] We just follow in behind. And I think paradoxically, when we don't define ourselves. When we don't sit in our own authenticity and our own ideas, opinions and our own wants and needs, I think we do it so that we can fit in and get this sense of belonging. But paradoxically, I actually think we lose the sense of belonging when we stop being us.

[00:10:06] 'cause actually we'll align ourselves with anything. We'll align ourselves with a piece of string. It doesn't matter. We don't stand for anything. And so people haven't got really anything to gravitate towards with us. My experience of being a little bit opaque, not giving people very much idea who I was, not really believing in myself to be a full member of whatever was going on, it really drained all the colour and life out of me.

[00:10:38] I just became this cardboard cutout. I was living this pale half life, of who I was meant to be. Doing what I was told to do by other grey people, never saying boo to a goose, feeling dead, numb, empty inside. And I get a sense that this is happening for a lot of people in burnout, who've given into the system.

[00:11:05] They know they have to play the game, can't just be themselves and stand up and make the rules and make their own decisions. And that giving in loses us a lot of vitality, and a lot of energy, goodwill, enthusiasm. So once you give away that power to be you, genuine, real you, you can become a cypher, with no awareness even of what your own gifts and talents are. And no idea who you are or what you love to do. Can you relate to that? But if you can, tell me, does that feel like living to you? Because it didn't really to me. And this is 2024 now. You've seen the state of the world. It's a challenging time to grow up or to raise a family.

[00:11:53] And most of us have a pretty low confidence in the people we choose to run our countries, even. Things are going a little bit sideways, aren't they? We've got more mental health problems, more violence, more addiction, more broken families. We're less genuinely connected to one another. More ego based, which is going to be more dualistic, more conflicted, more radicalized.

[00:12:18] And I looked this week at a report about the workplace well being statistics for 2024. 66 percent of workers have felt burnt out at work in the last three months. Disaster! 66%. Okay, what are we going to do about this? If that's you, if you can relate , if you have a low belief in yourself and you wish you could have stronger, what to do?

[00:12:46] What to do with ourselves now we're in this plight where we have become weakened and we're not able to give of our best. So really, we need to find courage to be who we are, to find ourselves good and enough. To become willing to wear our hearts on our sleeves a bit more and stand for our dreams. That's where our strength comes from, to do good in the world when we can really connect with what matters to us. I think we can afford to be More contrarian. Think like an adult, right? Dare to be you. If you don't say what you think, people can't see the real you. And deeper connections are then no longer possible.

[00:13:28] So now you've got this superficial level of connection with half of you to half of them. There's not much traffic over that line. There's not much genuine soulful connection. Although it seems really initially easier just to follow, just to agree with other people, just not to be contentious, in the end it's your vitality that's being lost. And I have, with enormous fascination, been studying people and the psyche for quite a long while now. I'm never going to be an expert, but I have done probably about 9, 000 coaching sessions, and I've met so many people who, with courage and heart, could be great if they chose. And often they're not choosing.

[00:14:14] Often it's too much for them, and they've shut down and folded away. Sometimes my job is to help them choose, to help them notice the wealth of goodness inside them and appreciate it and find the courage to bring it to the light. And nowhere is that more true than in the endless procession of talented, big hearted, lovely people who come to me, bruised to the bone by burnout. Not feeling good enough is part of the human condition. And we're all touched at times, and that's okay. But it confers no benefit for us to see ourselves that way all the time.

[00:14:56] It uplifts nothing and no one to dwell in self doubt, self judgment, self hatred, self blame, self criticism. It really just causes us to shut down and withhold our best talents and energy from the world. If we were put on this world, to play it as small as possible, to remain impotent, subdued and silent, then deep down, why do we care so much about others? I think every human's got their own perfection. Indelible worthiness. Unique contribution. If we want to come together and get this planet in order, I reckon we're going to need to set aside our judgments.

[00:15:35] And that's our inner judgments about ourselves and our outer judgements of each other, and unite in our gifts and our common good intentions, which when you speak to a human being, almost all of them have underneath, right? Almost all.

[00:15:50] We need to regain the vitality we've lost. We need to reclaim our souls, reanimate ourselves, return home to our natural self.

[00:15:59] And that will give us the power, and the voice, and the confidence to come together and stand up. When you want your own power back, your belief in yourself, it really is simply a choice. You are who you think you are. Your limitations are what you think they are. You make them true with your thoughts.

[00:16:23] So choose new thoughts. If you want to realign yourself with your soul and free up all that good energy, of the authentic you that's stuck inside. You can become who you want. And I know because I've seen so many people do it, and it's an experience that I have been on the journey the last probably 20 or 30 years. It's not fast evolution, but it is constant . I'm always noticing the next sticking point and choosing to work on that and move through it. I found that, yes, even concrete head like me, I can change, so I know you can. If you want to believe in yourself, decide who and how you want to be, how you want to show up in the world.

[00:17:06] In my coaching practice, I rely on cognitive behavior therapy principles, an adaptive practice, which is that really you can train yourself to believe anything you want. In place of your low self esteem beliefs, for example. And you might want to, just to simply improve the quality of your life, your results in life, your work, your relationships.

[00:17:29] How you show up for yourself and the ease and enjoyment of being you, the full you, the whole you. It's much easier to be yourself than to try and contort yourself into the cardboard cutout. So I've got some suggested steps that you could follow if you wanted to regenerate some beliefs about yourself.

[00:17:49] And replace some old beliefs you have that aren't constructive for you, that are not helping you move forward. So here are those steps.

[00:17:57] Step one, is first notice the problem that your self belief is low, that it's not where you want it to be. It sounds obvious, but a lot of people don't self reflect on that, especially if it's ingrained over a long time.

[00:18:11] Because self belief It may just be seen as, this is the way that I am, or this is the way that things are. But really, self belief, it's just a set of thoughts you habitually have about yourself, and those thought habits can be changed.

[00:18:29] Step two, decide you're going to practice changing your thoughts about yourself.

[00:18:35] Make that commitment to yourself to take that journey. And it's a serious commitment. You've got to put a bit of guts behind it because it's a revolution in who you think you are. So the ego is involved. So you make the commitment to become a new you.

[00:18:51] It's really a one time promise to yourself. You don't need to keep re deciding every day. You just make that promise and start out. So I think it's good if you can mean it. Step three, is become attentive to your thoughts. Become the watcher of your thoughts.

[00:19:07] See them. Listen to them. Notice the thoughts you have, particularly about yourself, that are keeping your self belief low. Get to know them. Write them down. Watch out for the themes that might emerge.

[00:19:22] You might have thoughts like, this is all I deserve, or this is how I was raised. I mustn't get too big for my boots.

[00:19:30] My mom or my dad told me I was never going to be whatever the thing is that I want to be.

[00:19:37] No one I know has ever done what I want to do. Other people tell me I can't do it.

[00:19:43] I've never been good at whatever the thing is you want to do. People won't like me if I do the thing I'm going to do.

[00:19:50] Or even people from my area, my city, my country, my demographic, don't get to do these things. This giving attention idea.

[00:19:59] It might be a new thing to you, so your brain might not want to do it. Just a little warning. You can choose to train your brain to listen to your thoughts, if it's not used to doing that, by doing it deliberately for five minutes every morning.

[00:20:13] Just sit down, whack a timer on, and listen to everything that's going through your head, that stream of consciousness. And that's going to train you to become aware of your own thinking, if that's not already your habit. And if you hear the thoughts coming up, you might check each thought for accuracy.

[00:20:30] Not, is it really true? Because truth is subjective. But do I really believe it about myself? How did I come to believe it about myself? Who told me that thought in the first place? This is to get a bit of perspective that not every thought we have is valid or helpful. Some of it's just words flapping around in there.

[00:20:57] Even if we've believed them for years, it doesn't mean they're true or useful. We don't need to limit ourselves to our old beliefs.

[00:21:05] If we don't like them, we can discard them. Step four, decide that from now on, when you have low self esteem thoughts and you see them, you're going to interrupt them.

[00:21:15] You're going to correct them on the spot. Each time you hear one of those negative self belief thoughts, just say to yourself very gently, something like, oh, that's no good. I don't do that anymore. I don't allow myself to talk in that way to myself anymore. And then supply to yourself a thought you'd rather have and practice it in your head.

[00:21:38] Now I think I'm wonderful. Or now I think I'm clever. Or now I know I'm brilliant at tennis. Or whatever the thing is. And the Paris Olympics are on as I record this. And did those athletes get to the top without working every day on their beliefs? It seems unlikely. I remember during the Sydney Olympics in 2000, I read that the Aussie Women's Beach Volleyball team had gold coloured toothbrushes.

[00:22:08] They weren't touted to win gold, but they had a lot of gold stuff in their home that they would see everywhere they turned to remind them as they got up every day that they were winners. And they did, in fact, go on to win the gold medal. Riotous cheering from this end. So when you hear your thoughts, just gently write down the thoughts that you have.

[00:22:28] Write down your repeat offender thoughts particularly, and the new thoughts that you'd like to replace them with. Because the more frequently you're able to pause, interrupt an old, unhelpful thought, and insert a new, more useful one, the more you're going to develop a new positive habit of thinking. And eventually, your old thoughts will wear down.

[00:22:51] They won't pop up so often. And your new thoughts will start to become new habits for you.

[00:22:57] An extra bonus exercise, when you've started to do this and you've started to recognize the patterns of your thinking, a really useful booster shot is to write down your old and new thoughts about a specific thing each day.

[00:23:12] You might think, I get tongue tied giving speeches. And that's a problem. I don't want to believe that anymore. And you might write down a long list of positive thoughts that replace this, that you can also believe in. I've got no trouble speaking day to day. I can explain my ideas quite well at work. My voice is strong, or I'm articulate. Once I've written and practiced a speech, it's actually quite easy.

[00:23:39] I can speak when I've prepared. People can understand me just fine. So if you've got an old thought you're trying to retire, write down as many new thoughts as you can think of that are positive and useful to you that you could replace it with.

[00:23:54] And everything that I've just told you about the steps to replace a belief is simple.

[00:23:59] The process itself is quite simple. Notice your thoughts, very gently refute the unhelpful thoughts and replace them with more helpful positive thoughts. It's really that and just keep practicing .

[00:24:12] But the process is only simple if you do it. You know that you are who you believe you are. You know that you can change your beliefs whenever you like. So the question is, are you fed up enough yet with the status quo? Do you want to give yourself a better set of beliefs about you? Do you want to know what your life will be like when you're kinder to yourself?

[00:24:38] Do you want to know what changes?

[00:24:40] I can assure you, based on my experience with clients, that the cornerstone of burnout recovery is taking the rod off your own back. It's finding ways to be good, kind, generous, compassionate and caring towards yourself, just as you are. Not how you think you might be in the future, but how you are today.

[00:25:03] It's finding yourself good today without anything needing to change. It's being a human being, not a human doing. We're not trying to run away from ourselves and be a better person. We're trying to come home to ourselves, recognizing that we are already a good person.

[00:25:21] So believing in yourself really is a strong part of that journey.

[00:25:24] And in coaching, I will teach you to be the champion of you. And when you do that, the pressures of the world fade away.

[00:25:34] If your self critic is overactive, I highly recommend you think about replacing it with a kinder voice that let's you be you in a way that's delightful and light and freeing and puts a spring back in your step.

[00:25:50] Burnout recovery. Love yourself back to life. That's where it starts.

[00:25:56] So that's what I have for you today. I hope that was helpful. I know you can achieve this change in beliefs because that's what all my clients do, just so you know. And if you're in burnout, I can help you too. Come and talk to me for free and let's make a plan for you to recover quickly and sustainably and get on to your best performance, leadership, success, and enjoyment inside work and out.

[00:26:20] You can book an appointment at DexRandall. com. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me reach more people in burnout. I would be most appreciative. I'd love you to rate or review the podcast and share the podcast with your friends who are in stress and burnout.

[00:26:37] Thank you for listening today. And if you would like to send me a message, you can now do that by the link in the show note.

[00:26:44] Catch you next time.