[00:00:00] Dex: Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends, this is Dex again and today what we're going to talk about is codependence. Really because it's such a common experience and for those of us in burnout, we're not exempt from that. So I might speak here on subjects that are painful to you and just to let you know, I have no judgment

[00:00:43] and I'm only presenting this episode as a way to help listeners identify codependent dynamics in order to remedy them and to adjust those dynamics, in loving and respectful ways to create healthier relationships. Many people I've found in codependent relationships really don't grasp the dynamics and don't know how to improve their relationships.

[00:01:06] And to be honest, I may not fully understand either. The views I'm going to present today are mine alone, and you're quite welcome to disagree. But what's happened for me is in my journey as a coach, I have gleaned enough experience to help guide people such as codependent partnerships towards more productive relationship behaviours,

[00:01:29] that tend to stimulate more functional and therefore enjoyable and fulfilling relationships. Of course, before I go any further, if you are suffering abuse or violence, please do seek the immediate help you need. Connect with an emergency department or helpline and the same applies if you have mental health or addiction issues that you need support with, please seek that help.

[00:01:55] This podcast is about burnout recovery coaching and coaching really is for those people whose daily function is not too compromised by issues that can only be supported through medical or professional help. Usual disclaimer here. I am a coach, not a therapist. Okay, that said, here's how I see codependence.

[00:02:16] I see it as where two people compulsively rely on one another to create and sustain their emotional well being. I really visualize this as two people standing up, but neither of them can bear their own body weight, so they're leaning against each other like two dominoes. Resting their heads on each other.

[00:02:37] If one moves away, the other one's going to fall over. And codependence can be defined as two people with extreme dependence, emotional, social or physical, on one another. And by the way, unless there are underlying mental health issues, really that's just a set of behaviours, and behaviours are subject to reversal and adjustment.

[00:03:01] So each person will have aspects in a codependent relationship of people pleasing, Each will need to be needed, be very demanding and manipulate that reality. Because codependence is based on fear of abandonment as a codependent person can't bear to be alone with their needs for safety and care unmet.

[00:03:26] But this then is an adult in emotional childhood. Because in childhood, that dependency on a parent or caregiver is normal. It's wired into the developing brain as a survival mechanism. So codependency is dysfunctional in adulthood, as each partner feels an extreme need for approval and recognition.

[00:03:51] Never able to get enough, then they feel compelled to control each other. Even so, they feel guilt and shame for asserting their own needs. And while each one sacrifices their own needs to please the other, it doesn't really feel good. I see codependence as a surefire way to destroy self esteem. Whatever one has at the beginning will quickly be eroded in a quest to establish domination.

[00:04:21] And that battle for control and the ensuing purposeful diminishment of one another incubates a big anger, resentment, distrust and also social withdrawal.

[00:04:33] In codependency, each person will require of the other approval, support, care, protection, usually desire, acceptance, and certainly praise. And this needs to happen due to the absence of an internal sense of okayness and enoughness within each partner. In a way, it's like we feel less than, in a way we can't fix, and this leaves us quite vulnerable.

[00:05:01] Inevitably, when attacked, we're then going to believe the attacker's criticism. So we seek the attention of someone who will protect us. In reality, codependence actually involves a lot of conflict as each person tries to control the other with this constant threat of rejection and social exposure.

[00:05:23] Simultaneously, they're going to believe that they are the one holding their whole relationship with the other person up. Convincing the other that they can't survive without them and feeling resentful if their own entitlement for support is not being met. For me, there's also an aspect of coercion, if not bullying.

[00:05:45] As each party becomes increasingly frustrated, feeling let down by the other, intimidation, social isolation and violence can be used to subdue the other. But I found as well that desire and intimacy will quickly wane in a codependent couple. It's hard to feel desire for a needy person, especially one who's acting mean towards you.

[00:06:12] It's too risky to be that vulnerable and it lacks appeal in other ways. Nagging also can be a side effect of codependency, because each person holds an idealized version of their partner and feels like they must change their partner to fit that ideal. In fact, they often believe the other partner should want to be remoulded to fit that ideal.

[00:06:35] Expectations then are very high, they're often unmet, often unvoiced even for fear of rejection. But the idealized version that each person has, of their partner, is actually just a symbol in their mind. A codependent person doesn't really see who their partner actually is beyond the symbol, so they can never really connect with that person in a direct, loving, Meaningful, respectful way.

[00:07:06] So let's look then at the emotional intelligence in that dynamic.

[00:07:10] Children need adults to support their emotional well being, don't they? They can't generate and sustain their own. It needs to be supplied, and they need functional relationships modelled to them.

[00:07:25] Really what happens is a child's dependency on good enough caretakers, Supplies them with a feeling of safety and trust and confidence. And the idea that it's okay for the child to be exactly who they are. This, what's called secure attachment, supports their sense of belonging and authenticity, as well as self esteem, trust and confidence.

[00:07:51] And it also teaches the child how to relate to other humans in a mutually Functional, respectful, and open way. Insecure attachment on the other hand, where the child is not accepted for who they are, gives the child a sense of being bad or wrong, for which they blame themselves. So they're likely going to develop guilt, shame, self criticism, anxiety, fear of abandonment or rejection, as well as a misguided understanding of how human relationships work.

[00:08:23] Their basic needs will not be fully met, and they might also miss Brain development windows for social skill development, which is one reason they may struggle to establish functional relationships in adulthood. Childhood model really doesn't fly as an adult, where we need to take responsibility for our own emotions

[00:08:44] and become emotionally mature. We're designed to have, as adults, interdependent relationship. We have physical, mental, emotional interplay between two parties without dependence on one another for our self esteem. And I visualized this model, this functional relationship model, as two people standing up straight next to each other, sharing genuine love, respect, and warmth without neediness.

[00:09:17] So if one of those people moves away, the other one will not fall over.

[00:09:21] Sadly, in codependency, if one person goes missing, the other one will fall over. Their relationship tends to be in a style that's more clingy, possessive, overprotective. The message is, you can't survive without me. No one else will understand you. I will take care of you.

[00:09:41] It can also be very demanding, and often demeaning. Each may tell the other that they're not good enough, to reinforce the dependency they themselves have on the other. To stop the other leaving. In fact, I believe because of the emotional insufficiency, fear and compulsion, the codependency can be seen as an addiction.

[00:10:04] And I've noticed that codependent people often act out other addictions, for example, food and alcohol and drugs.

[00:10:11] In a relationship, there may be a dominant partner, but really both have to be codependent for the partnership to survive. And codependent people might see themselves as victims, and assume helplessness, having relinquished some of their independence to their partner. So because of the dependency dynamic, partners usually avoid a direct, honest, and open emotional connection with one another.

[00:10:41] They can't tell each other the truth and they might not look at their own behaviors very honestly. So unfortunately a genuine loving relationship is not really accessible from a codependent situation.

[00:10:56] Of course, on top of that, the quest for getting your emotional needs met and meeting others emotional needs is quite tiring. Frustration is common. But although the desire to leave the partnership is often very strong, fear of abandonment gets in the way. Many codependent people find a new partner before relinquishing the current one.

[00:11:20] So if you've identified some of those codependent behaviors or traits in this episode, if you've identified with those and need help, Please, I do recommend you seek a knowledgeable professional resource to help you that feels appropriate for you. I am able to assist clients in burnout to realign their behaviours and their expectations in a way that supports and creates

[00:11:43] healthier relationships with both themselves and with other people. They both need to happen. And here are some of the exercises or concepts that I will teach and coach on when I do that with my clients. So number one, always topping the list is creating internal safety. This is essential. Before making any changes to important relationships, one must develop stronger self support, self esteem, Self approval and inner safety and trust.

[00:12:17] These really are a precursor to attending to external relationship difficulties.

[00:12:24] As it's really quite tough to do this alone without expert support, this is where you need a skilled and safe other to act as your guide. And I do offer this to my clients, by the way, in whose goodness I believe completely. So we do some exercises to create this internal strength and safety. To reduce the dependency on the other party.

[00:12:44] The second, skill set area is working with emotions and reducing emotional avoidance. And I come back to the idea that our emotions actually can't harm us. They're really just energy passing through our bodies, although it doesn't stop us sometimes spending a great deal of time trying to avoid them.

[00:13:06] But really, when we try and avoid our emotions, it just causes further stress, fear, and anxiety, rather than providing us with the ongoing emotional relief that we were looking for. But the truth is this, we are capable as adults of bearing our emotions and feeling them directly. As they course through our bodies, right, in this hormonal rush. 

[00:13:28] Feeling an emotion directly diffuses the bomb of emotional intensity. It just turns down the volume on the emotion if we're prepared to just feel it as it comes up, as opposed to suppressing our emotions and blocking that energy inside of us. It feels explosive there and even more urgent to escape it. 

[00:13:51] I see feeling our emotions directly as providing genuine confidence and relief. It's a skill you can easily learn and thereafter you're going to feel less fear of your own emotion and your negative emotions become more short lived, more manageable, and you're also going to be, and this is extremely helpful in relationships, less emotionally reactive to other people.

[00:14:20] A skill you're clearly going to need when working with codependence. The third skill set is communication. Honest, respectful, gentle communication is a skill that can be cultivated and it will be required in tending to your relationships. We can't argue, cajole, demand, or threaten our way to a better relationship.

[00:14:41] The fourth skill set, the key to emotional adulthood, is being happy to be you. And the way to create that is through working to diminish shame, guilt, fear, and self criticism. Because fundamentally, whatever your experience is right now, you can find ways to love, accept, respect, cherish, and care for yourself.

[00:15:10] Regardless of how you've behaved towards yourself or about yourself in the past. Regardless of how rampant your self criticism may be or self rejection, self neglect. You can learn how to take care of yourself. I know this because I've taken that journey myself. And I believe there's always a path back home to the heart and the heart is always good.

[00:15:33] And then the fifth really important skill set I teach is setting boundaries. You will need this skill if you want to reset a relationship.

[00:15:43] First of all, really what you'll need to do is find it acceptable for you to express your limits and preferences. And perhaps absorb the consequences of that and then stick to your boundaries. All of that might be unfamiliar to you, but giving yourself that validation, essentially sticking up for yourself and who you are and what you need and what you believe in, is really critical to developing a true and honest relationship with other people.

[00:16:12] And to change any codependent relationship, it really means renegotiation, doesn't it? Again, setting boundaries needs to be done in a safe and respectful way and you may need to learn what that way is.

[00:16:27] If you're not really sure if you've been exposed to codependent behavior or if you yourself have exhibited codependent behavior, here's a few tip offs you might relate to, some of these common patterns of codependency. I'm just going to list them out because I love lists, right?

[00:16:43] So, you need your partner to approve of you and you feel unsafe without approval. Approval is more important within your partnership than enjoyment. You think of your relationship as deeply committed and virtuous. You go pretty much everywhere together. You stay home together a lot too, as other people might feel like a threat to you.

[00:17:05] You think you know your partner inside out, but you share anecdotes about them that they themselves see are not true. You still refuse to change your story, because the story fits your symbolic image of them. Your genuine connecting emotions like empathy, compassion, love, respect, honesty are a little bit missing in action.

[00:17:24] Spontaneity is not welcome. You think your partner is weak and needs your protection. Your partner is at times mean and disparaging about your abilities to succeed in the world. You might use baby talk or shared language with meaning hidden to other people. You feel a strong need to remain in the partnership and for your partner to be loyal, monogamous and committed to you.

[00:17:52] Yet you argue a lot. You don't trust your partner particularly around other people and you feel urges to control your partner. Perhaps you become manipulative or feel unsafe. Your relationship may have outlived its intimacy quite quickly. The relationship might feel more like a friendship with an absence of passion.

[00:18:13] Infidelity may occur if that's true. Leaving the relationship and being alone is not a bearable idea for you. You vigorously defend your partner when others criticize them but you disparage and criticize them to their face. You feel an empty bitterness inside the relationship. You feel suffocated in there.

[00:18:34] When your emotional needs are not met, you shout, sulk, withdraw, or resent them. When you make up, the sense of connection doesn't feel deep. You prioritize each other's company over external friendships. You need constant approval. You have a low opinion of yourself, your personal qualities, power, attractiveness, strength, and achievement.

[00:18:57] You may also have other addictions and there may, as previously mentioned, occur domestic violence. And if so, please do seek help.

[00:19:06] Okay. So that's just ideas that I have about codependence. But I think you may have picked up something that might be useful to you. I really do hope so. I personally have seen that a codependent type of relating, because it comes from fear and learned behaviors, can be successfully worked with.

[00:19:26] It is amenable to change. And I've seen it in my clients quite often when they are willing to develop the requisite skills, some of the ones I've just mentioned and invest in turning their relationship around, then they can. 

[00:19:38] So if that is you and you're also in burnout, I do invite you to come and talk to me for free and let's make a plan for you to recover quickly and sustainably and get back to your best performance, leadership, success, and of course most of all enjoyment inside work and out. You can book an appointment to speak with me at DexRandall. com. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me reach more people in burnout by rating and reviewing the podcast and sharing this podcast with your friends who are under duress as well. Thank you for listening today and I'd love to hear from you. SMS me your thoughts via the link in the show notes.