[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.
[00:00:22] Alrighty, my friends, this is Dex, and I am particularly happy to welcome you, especially you today . We're going to talk a little bit about belonging, because how much belonging do you feel right now? How much do you feel? Belonging really, in any of our social areas, maybe your family, or your family of origin.
[00:00:48] Partnerships, business, workplace, peer groups, friends, sports teams, clubs, social groups, religious, political schools, parents groups, minority interests, communities, anything, doesn't matter. How do you feel about your belonging in any of those areas? In any of those groups or cohorts? Because pretty much as we sink into burnout.
[00:01:16] Our capacity for sensing this belongingness we need as humans, as tribal animals, slips away. Most of us lose it to a feeling that we're not worthy of community support and heartbreakingly many people with partners and families feel this lack of belonging very keenly within those partnerships and those family units.
[00:01:41] So I think let's start with clearing up one point right now before we go any further. You belong. It's inalienable part of your humanity. We're herd animals, it's in our wiring. There isn't a way you can extinguish your right or capacity to belong, nor can you really extinguish the love and care others have for you and their desire to belong you to them.
[00:02:14] You might be able to dampen it a bit by being defensive, withdrawn, absent, bitter, maybe angry, arrogant, standoffish, all the rest. But it won't die. In my personal experience, during times where I felt that I didn't belong with people, I have a pattern of withdrawing and distancing myself. In fact, of pushing people away, effectively.
[00:02:39] But later, when I return to those people, even though they might be sad and disappointed by my withdrawal, even though they might have felt a little bit rejected by that even, and even if they've wandered off to find people more welcoming of their affection and care, I do discover in talking to them that the pilot light's still on.
[00:03:01] Their love and care for me remains. Which I always find surprising and remarkable, given the frosty and distrustful ways that I treat people when I feel unworthy of their kind attention. But really looking deeper, the thing that separated me from them was poor self belief, not actual animosity or judgment towards them or about them.
[00:03:30] And I do generally hold that weird dichotomy of seeing them as both laden with sociability and good attention, good intentions I don't deserve, and at the same time, foolish or gullible for putting up with me in the first place. As if that somehow places them beneath me. Maybe you can relate, I don't know.
[00:03:56] But really, who is the judgement and exclusion coming from in that scenario? Them or me? Okay, it's me. My brain, by the way, also has form. It has form in black and white thinking. And if you're in burnout and your self concept is poor right now, you've given into your inner critic, you believed it's lies, then probably you're quite used to believing implausible black and white thinking, stories concocted by your mind to subdue your effort at being included or belonging or in rejoining any social group.
[00:04:37] If you've spotted a bit of black and white thinking coming up, Boy, if you hear it, you can immediately know it is lying, because this world is fully equipped to contain every point on a spectrum at the same time. Every view, every attribute, every way of being, it can contain. And I think of it as the world is more wave than particle.
[00:05:04] And people are, by nature, designed to encompass every thought and belief and behavior available, often in unpredictable and chaotic ways that change with the weather. Reductionist labeling, black and white thinking, and shoulding ourselves are really just the product of a scared mind that feels out of control.
[00:05:29] Black and white thinking is extremist in a way that denies how the world is, and how we ourselves are. The real world has seasons, it has ebb and flow just like us. It's not really big on absolutes, like the world being flat. There be dragons!. So we're not either good or bad, either right or wrong, either acceptable or unacceptable.
[00:06:01] We can actually be everything and anything at any time. And that's perfect. If you've wanted to figure out all your life, since birth, the correct way to be a human, how to think and believe and act to make everyone like you, you might find that's a lifetime quest. And it generally involves a lot of self criticism and self judgment.
[00:06:23] And at the end, you're suddenly going to realize that the only way to do life is with love. Love for life, for hopes and fears, for people, but mostly for yourself, as you actually are in any given moment. So if you lack a sense of belonging, because you don't like or trust yourself, or you don't feel worthy, and you're consequently at war with yourself, and your inner radicalism to be you, that, my friend, is where the work of Burnout Recovery lies.
[00:06:57] When you can learn to accept all the parts of you, all the time, that's all the wacky parts, all the mind blowing parts, all the mousy parts, and notice that whole bundle is exquisite and essential, it's exactly who you're designed to be. If you can re-label that bundle of stuff that is you as your special magic, accept it, work with it, celebrate it, stop making a problem of your so called deficiencies or differences.
[00:07:28] And just release your rough and ready actual self into the world. Then life and people are going to open up to you. In all your, and their, messy glory. I mean, that's how things are! And fighting it hasn't really helped, you could probably see that. So we don't feel like we belong anywhere,
[00:07:51] at our core, because we're different than our internal ideal about how a human should be. And we don't approve of ourselves for that. We twist ourselves perpetually into endless pretzels. And like snowflakes, no two pretzels are identical. So it takes too much energy, and too much self containment, and inward focus and judgment.
[00:08:18] We can't relax, be ourselves and feel okay. We don't accept ourselves. So we perceive that others don't, or won't, or can't accept us. And we set about making that prophecy true, don't we? We act as if it is true. But sometimes also you might catch yourself arguing in the opposite direction. If people really knew me, they would see how great I am.
[00:08:44] They would like me. If only they did. If only you would let them! If only you'd accept yourself first. So already, I think you can see that when we don't believe in ourselves, we project this onto an unsuspecting, and often rather kindly, world. "Please", we beseech, "please, you mustn't like and accept me, that would be wrong.
[00:09:12] No time to explain, I'll just go and hide and save you the trouble." And off we go, sense of belonging in tatters. Anyway, I think you get the point. Maybe you can relate to some of this, maybe not all of it. But if you don't have a sense of belonging, I think it's in urgent need of fixing. Who wants to go through a life like that?
[00:09:31] So, as always on these podcast episodes, I never leave you in the lurch. I have some stupendous news for you. I never present a problem on this podcast that you can't fix yourself. That's the good news, right? All the agency and power lies with you. Everything that ails you in burnout, including how much your job sucks, can be fixed by you.
[00:09:59] You hold, let's say, about 99 percent of the power here, along with the god of your choice, If such is your belief. But the point is, the solution is inside of you, not outside. You don't need anyone to save you. Hear that? You don't need anyone to save you. You don't need the world to change, or your workplace to change, for you to belong, or feel safe, or in control, or successful, or to experience joy and contentment.
[00:10:32] That can all come from inside of you. The universe, or your God, whichever, don't they want the best for you? Don't they want you to shine and be useful in the world? Spreading your love and goodness liberally everywhere where there are people in suffering who need your help? Of course they do!
[00:10:53] So one of the fundamentals I teach those who don't feel like they belong is how to find themselves worthy of belonging and then to belong themselves back in. First with their own self, so belonging to yourself, and then with others. Assuming their rightful place somewhere on the surface of this planet, in the spot specially reserved for them, who and how they were already designed to be.
[00:11:22] With other beings, other humans, other adventures, to live this ordinary life with moments of love and joy and laughter and especially belonging. Because the only obstacle to belonging, to being accepted back into the circle, is self acceptance. So think about this for a minute. Think about someone you know who has very high self acceptance.
[00:11:46] And I don't mean somebody who's brilliant and superior nor do I mean somebody who denies their weaknesses. I mean somebody who can realistically see all aspects of themself and is truthful about that to themself and accepting of all of it. Just okay with being who they are, warts and all. Someone who likes themself even though they see their own flaws.
[00:12:14] And that person is quite probably socially fairly comfortable. Whether they're extrovert or introvert. Not very easily wrong footed or embarrassed or shamed. Quite open about their own foibles and shortcomings. Indulgent of themself as basically good enough. They probably have pretty easy access to their emotions too.
[00:12:38] And a sense of humor about failure and embarrassment. So if you can think of somebody, if you can bring into your mind's eye such a person who you know, how easy do you find it to be around that person? What effect does that have on you when you're around that person? Why? Why do you feel that way being around that person?
[00:12:59] Chances are it's because they're so completely themselves, they give you a bit of permission to be yourself as well. But really, how would you like to be like that person? Because that's the journey of burnout recovery. Somebody who's at ease in their own skin. Somebody who takes life with a pinch of salt a little bit.
[00:13:21] And I will teach you, if you allow me to coach you, I will teach you to return home to the real you and find that an acceptable place to live, to be generous to yourself about who you are, and to relish the good in you far, far more than focus on the aspects that might let you down time to time. I'm going to teach you to belong yourself.
[00:13:44] To yourself, first of all, and to find that a rewarding way to live. It just frees up all the parts of you that have previously been shut down as unacceptable. Been trying to hide pieces of yourself and hide your vulnerability and your fears. So I can help you feel more ease and joy and contentment and relaxation, have a bit more fun, maybe a wider set of interests and associations, to enjoy connecting with others.
[00:14:14] Without, as one of my previous clients used to say, sweating through his shirt. Because belonging is a state of mind. When you have it, you have it. When you have it, you can share it. Belonging is simply learning how to enjoy being you, such that you can be more relaxed and authentic. Letting out all your genius, all your crazy, and everything in between.
[00:14:41] It's letting that old supervisor of you go. Not letting it go so that you behave badly, because this, although it's occasionally inevitable, is not your true nature. But just letting it all go because it's okay to be you. Just so that you can breathe in and breathe out without hiking up your own blood pressure.
[00:15:05] And feel relaxed instead of worrying yourself into the ground, literally. And I think the best part of this is that belonging is something that you alone can create, anytime you're ready, without anybody's input or permission. But when you grant it to yourself, it's automatically extended to others. And you get to belong in your own way, a lot or a little, loudly or quietly, just as you please, however it suits you.
[00:15:39] Belonging really only asks of you to be you. It's not added pressure to do anything or to be gregarious all of the time. Once you have belonging, you choose your own path and your own boundaries. But in whatever dose, you're going to enjoy connection with others more. You're going to feel better. Other people will, in all likelihood, seem nicer and more friendly than they did before.
[00:16:09] So, if you do want to release yourself from low worthiness and a lack of belonging that leaves you feeling worse, lonely, left out, abandoned, neglected, judged, behaving defensively. The answer lies in finding a more gentle and kind way to work with and support every part of yourself. And I can teach you this and it will change everything, particularly if you're in burnout.
[00:16:38] So in summary, not belonging is a huge factor in burnout. It can be remedied with coaching. Many of us do feel isolated in burnout, lacking any sense of belonging and feeling unworthy. Often we pull back and isolate more, deepening the crisis. This can be remedied in burnout recovery coaching. One of the chief benefits is enjoying connections more deeply at work.
[00:17:07] And of course, outside work too, at home. We become willing to re enter community and feel that we are valuable and valued. This is true whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. And regardless of your preferred level of engagement, you get to be you. It's just that you don't need to do it alone. If you'd like to explore that, come and talk to me via the Get Coached link in the show notes.
[00:17:36] And let's make a plan for your comeback to belonging and connection joy. So if you are in burnout, don't put up with a life of isolation and not belonging. Burnout is a fixable condition. You just need to learn a method of doing that. So I recommend you come and talk to me about how to recover quickly and sustainably and get back to your best performance,
[00:18:02] leadership, success, and most of all, enjoyment. Inside work, and out. you can book an appointment to talk with me at DexRandall. com. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me reach more people in burnout by rating and reviewing the podcast and subscribing to the podcast. I really do appreciate your support with this.
[00:18:25] If you know somebody who's heading towards or in burnout, Please send them the podcast link because it's packed, as it was today, with practical tips for burnout recovery. I recommend that new people listen to the first five episodes to get started. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really hope that what you heard is useful to you.
