Ep112 Your Life Post-Burnout

Dex (00:00:09) - Hi everyone! My name is Dex Randall and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work. Hello my friends, this is Dex and today I really want to talk about what your life will look like after you finish Burnout Recovery Coaching with me. Because I was talking with a client on their very last week of burnout coaching this morning, full of celebration about how far they've come chatting away about this stack of changes. And they said to me, laughing excitedly, if you'd have told me that all this would happen at the beginning, I would have thought you're a snake oil merchant. They just wanted to stop feeling so bad and that's all they were focused on. And they said, okay, I would have never believed that all this was possible. And I'm sorry to say, most people don't believe me when I tell them how their life can be transformed after burnout. And then I start to feel like a bit of a snake oil merchant.

Dex (00:01:15) - But for the record, I'm not one. My policy is actually to under-promise, would you believe, and overdeliver? Tthis is really because it's very difficult to explain to somebody who's in the crippling stages of burnout that life can be better. When they're in the trenches of that skull- and heart-crushing misery of burnout. They really don't want to hear false promises that end in disappointment. That would be brutal. And also, I hate to let people down. I'm sure you do too. So to be honest, I'm in this whole caper to support the flourishing and growth, happiness, success, family life, not to empty anyone's pockets and run away laughing. It's not really my style. You probably had some of that from other people already. Solutions that don't work all that well. You've probably tried a lot of things to fix your burnout, and since you are here, I guess they didn't work. I don't want you to fail and stay in burnout. I'm not that kind of guy.

Dex (00:02:21) - I want you to thrive and be happy. And besides, I already like you. I doubt you're going to believe that either. But it's true. I've never met a client I didn't like and admire. Never. The people who come to me in burnout are always lovely, and they've got a wealth of really good qualities that they've simply had very little opportunity to deploy whilst in burnout. And I bet you're the same, no matter how dark you're being on yourself at the moment. My task then, is really to help you revive all the pre-existing good that lies within. It's about helping you to get your mojo back. Because if you've lost your mojo, it's still back there, right where you left it, intact, waiting to be rediscovered. So let's go back there and get it, shall we? You need it. You're suffering way too much right now. Of course, life does have its challenges and disappointments for all of us at times. But burnout really is right up there amongst the headliners for me, along with accident, bereavement, loss and divorce. For me back in 2017, the slow train wreck of my own burnout was this relentless, pitiless,

Dex (00:03:46) - daily hopeless grind. It was just torture. It felt like it couldn't possibly end, and I was going to be just a complete wreck of my former self, my aspirations and efforts, the trust people had placed in me. I would just be on the trash heap of life, permanently buggered. And that could easily have happened. I didn't ask for help in that moment of burning out. I couldn't, because actually, I had absolutely no idea who could help me. And I'd tried really quite a lot of things before that to alleviate my ongoing stress, anxiety, moodiness, frustration, and nothing had ever really worked. I was pretty bent out of shape even prior to the burnout popping up. But that apparent dead end of burnout, when the future looked tremendously rocky and bleak, was actually just a watershed. It turned into a new beginning for me. I discovered, after a lot of research, some tools that did help me and that were useful. Little by little, it became more and more clear to me that recovery from burnout was really just fixing the innate problems that spawned the burnout.

Dex (00:05:12) - So if I could just alleviate the symptoms long enough to tackle the dynamic of burnout itself, not just fixing the symptoms, but tackling the root causes, then I would prevent the misery from being recreated again later. So I built this new approach to life and things started looking manageable again. I bounce back against all the odds. And nobody promised me shit back then. But I learned how to become resilient, courageous, strong again, how to trust and rely on myself. And I did receive some coaching help. And I began to feel better and to find ways to get really excited about the possibilities for me, for my work, my future, and my capabilities and strengths. I did go back and find my mojo. Because underneath that thick, dark slime of burnout I had redeeming features. I did, and I promise you, you do too. So if you want to recover from burnout, you can. Okay, snake oil alert here. I actually promise you that you can recover. And I don't like to fail.

Dex (00:06:26) - I like to keep my reputation, thank you very much. But really, it's not about me. If you're in burnout, all I can do is be your guide and mentor. I can't make you change. Only you can do that. All I can do is teach you the tools and skills you need to create your own recovery. All I can do is show you the path and gently accompany you on that path. One little step at a time. All I can do is make that journey as easy and appealing and fun as possible. All I can do is believe in you until you start believing in yourself. But I will do all of those things and you will recover. Burnout, which is, I think a state much like depression in this way, does not allow us hope. It tells us we will never recover. And my friends, that simply is not true. You might just need a bit of help to recover, because what you've been doing so far isn't working, and so-called remedies from other people also haven't worked.

Dex (00:07:37) - And here's why that is. I think it's the same reason that many physical and mental health issues are difficult or impossible to resolve, because they're misunderstood. We've been, as a society, applying the wrong mental model to recovery. Blaming the sufferer, trying to correct their behaviours and attributes, making a little bit "nice" around them, sure, but without truly respecting them and their genuine needs. And I don't see that working too well because the difficulty lies elsewhere. So here's an example. Think for a minute about ayahuasca. Why has it created such a flood of public interest over the last ten years or so? Because it often appears to create a spontaneous healing. We don't truly know why applying toxins to the body and purging and chanting instigates healing, but in some people it does. Whatever you believe about ayahuasca or similar treatments, that's your truth. But still, for some people it works and it defies the system Westerners use to understand the problem. It seeks to gently listen, understand, give space, nourish, support rather than the Western way of just loudly proclaiming what should happen and making it happen.

Dex (00:09:07) - So the whole process, the ritual, if you like, of ayahuasca really embeds spirit, wisdom, healing, culture, community, and a rite of passage into the solution. It's just a completely different approach than we in the West would use. Now, I'd invite you to think about this. Ask yourself these questions. Do you feel seen? Heard and understood? Do you feel safe to be you, in the way that you are right now? Do you know why you're in burnout? Is that really clear to you? Do you know why you might have physical symptoms or ill health as a result of burnout? Because you can't catch burnout like the flu. Today's often-cited toxic work culture is very deeply regrettable, but it can only go so far in incubating burnout. It can't be 100% of the cause, otherwise, 100% of people working in that toxic environment would be burnt out. And I think there's also a personal aspect. And I think it's because 90%, 99% probably of your experience and my experience each day occurs inside your head or inside my head.

Dex (00:10:39) - That's how humans are. For example, today it might be hot outside or it might be freezing cold, but that's only going to bother you if you think you can't bear that heat or cold, if that's what you tell yourself. The kids might be screaming, but that's only going to bother you if you think they shouldn't be, or if you think you're not a good enough parent. We create our world and our experience with our thoughts. So because of that, we must contribute in some way to our experience of burnout. And we've got cognitive bias. So we're only going to perceive things in our world that are in accordance with our belief system. All the rest, we won't even notice. We just go about the world every day, seeing more of what's already true for us, thereby endorsing that our truth is actually true. So our ego can relax, it can be right, and it can convince itself that it's safe. So we experience subjective reality, not objective reality. So if what you believe about the world colors your perception of the world and your experience of the world, this is wonderful news.

Dex (00:11:54) - There's hope. You can't change the actual world, but you can change your thoughts and beliefs. You can trade old, inaccurate, pain inducing beliefs for far more useful ones that help you feel better. Because let's face it, you inherited your beliefs from your parents. Your childhood influencers. You soaked them up then without question. But you don't have to keep them, if they're not working. Find some you want to live by, that suit you. You're allowed. If that's a bit intangible, let's look at an example. If you think: your boss shouldn't berate you in front of other people, because it's not fair. It makes you mad. It's humiliating. And anyway, he's the one stuffing things up, not you! Did you notice then that five of your thoughts and beliefs have been injected into the situation right there? He shouldn't be you in front of people; It's not fair; It makes you mad; It's humiliating.; He's the one stuffing things up, not you. So you've created your experience straight away.

Dex (00:13:01) - Each of those thoughts are painful to you, not him. And thinking them, you yourself might feel humiliated, inadequate, angry, frustrated, disrespected, wronged, criticized, unsupported, or a whole slew of other unpleasant emotions. But what if instead you knew that your boss's wife is divorcing him? He faces losing custody of his kids. He has to go to court tomorrow, and his boss is putting pressure on him to deliver the impossible or face redundancy and that he feels humiliated, inadequate, angry, frustrated, disrespected, wronged, criticized, unsupported - all the same things as you. And when he called you out, he was actually berating himself inside his head for failing to keep everything under control and to extract what he needed from you. He knew he'd stuffed up and it was too much to bear. And he lost his rag. He lost his self-control. And his overwhelming self-criticism simply overflowed a little bit onto you, in his rampaging frustration. Slightly different view of what happened, right? Because of that scenario I've just given to you and all the different variables at play in there.

Dex (00:14:22) - Generally, we can take criticism with a pinch of salt, because the critic is usually blaming themselves in their head or not really thinking about us at all. Most of the time humans think about themselves. Wwhat they could be saying inside is: "If I did what you just did, I would be really dirty on myself about it." But of course they've got a different value system than you. Their criticism of you can be taken much more lightly, because ultimately you can only live by your own value system, not other people's. You can only strive to do the right thing by yourself. So, choose your own values. Not necessarily the ones you've inherited. And do your best to live by them, because that's all any of us can do. And then when we do that, we let ourselves off the hook a little bit of trying to please all the people all the time. And then we become free to help other people, to support the people around us without getting sucked into their pain and suffering.

Dex (00:15:27) - For example, going back to the example about the boss, you could look at that boss tangling himself up in a rage and realize it's got nothing to do with you. And then you might start to feel slightly curious about what's really happening for him, why he's angry. You might even feel a little bit compassionate towards him because he looks so frazzled. You might also decide that people can actually say what they want about you. It doesn't really matter very much. Only you can truly measure your behavior against your own standards. So even if your boss did say something unfavorable about you, who suffers? Who looks weak? If you're just standing by, just a little bit curious, it's probably going to be him, not you. The only reason other people's criticism stings us is if we buy into it. So that's really just one example where you can stand on your values, not other people's, and see how that changes your experience. And also if we move on from there using that idea, imagine you are never upset by what other people say or don't do.

Dex (00:16:44) - What if it was all just stuff that happened? What if you never felt disrespected? What if you could apply a similar calming technique to everything that happens to or around you at work, and feel calmly in control at all times? Centered on your own strength and purpose in the face of any setback? And feel at the same time just a little bit warm towards others in their suffering. Even if they're apparently behaving poorly. So what I just presented is really what Burnout Coaching trains you to do. And that's why Burnout Recovery works. It just turns down the temperature on everything and it gives you much more room to breathe and find equanimity and internal equilibrium. So you're not so bothered by things. It helps you to really see and focus on your own goodness. Stand in your own value and contribution. See your assets and abilities more clearly and forgive your own shortcomings. Give yourself a little bit of leeway. You don't need ever to feel bad about being you. You're supposed to be you, right? So what I teach as well with Burnout Recovery is you're going to learn to champion yourself privately inside your head,

Dex (00:18:20) - so you support yourself, and publicly so you support yourself to others, not in a domineering or aggressive way, but just: I'm fine, and I'll do what I can to support other people. And when you adopt that approach, everything changes. Everything feels different. The world starts to look like a different place entirely, and success becomes then much more available, with a lot less grind, a lot less friction. And that's the place that I will lead you to using coaching. We're going to eliminate huge swathes of pain and re-find the good, until your sense of humor comes back and life stops looking quite so severe, because some of that severity is inside your head. It's your inner critic, right? So you're going to let up on that. And most people in burnout, by the way, hearing all of this are still unable to affect this change in themselves, by themselves, purely because they can't transcend themselves, their own behaviors, they can't see themselves as if from outside. So, it's difficult for most people to recover from burnout unaided, and it's also very difficult for them to ask for help because, generally speaking, they don't want to.

Dex (00:19:43) - But happily, not only do I believe in you completely already, but I can guide you on that journey back to joy and reward, and I will do it. Maintaining my full belief in you as a competent, complete, and good human. Watch out! I'm going to make a big snake-oil-free promise to you today. If burnout is holding you back, I can teach you how to fix it and emerge smiling into what for you will be a completely new era as a human in your work and at home. If you coach with me, your mojo is coming back. So if you want that ten ton anvil off your back, come and talk to me about how to recover quickly and sustainably and get back to your best performance, leadership, success, and most of all, enjoyment inside work and out. You can book an appointment to speak with me at Dexrandall.com. Also, if you enjoyed this episode, please I'd love you to help me reach

Dex (00:20:45) - more people and burnout by rating and reviewing the podcast.

Dex (00:20:48) - And I really do appreciate your support with this.

Dex (00:20:51) - If you know somebody else who's heading towards,

Dex (00:20:53) - or in, burnout, please send them the podcast link. Because this whole podcast is packed, as you may know, with practical tips to alleviate burnout.

Dex (00:21:03) - I recommend that new people listen to the first five episodes to get started. And thank you so much for your time

Dex (00:21:10) - today, I'm really glad that you stopped by.