Ep#74 How confidence, clarity and efficiency work together

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Hello, my friend, this is Dex, and I'm very happy to report today.

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I'm gonna be focusing in the next 4 episodes on confidence cause

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I think it's an asset that so many of us really don't have enough of, and I promise you more is definitely available, and can be cultivated through coaching.

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Yes, frankly, you know, confidence is a really useful asset, isn't it?

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Because if you want to sail through life kind of relatively untroubled about yourself, achieving your best, naturally being who you truly are, feeling at home in your own body, having the sense that things are basically okay.

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Then really you're going to need confidence and self-confidence, and this applies to everybody listening.

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Whether you're in burnout or not, if you're a coach listening, it applies to your coaching, practice and business because here's the thing I think our modern life is kind of loaded with previously unknown cultural disconnections and those are things that you may receive as

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detrimental to your general sense of confidence, competence, belonging and okayness in the world at work, and socially, you know, in your partnerships, family, social relationships.

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To put it one way, most of us aren't very embedded in extended family, most of us don't have village life anymore.

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With all its ups and downs. But with this foundational sense of place, belonging, and identity that for previous generations would have knit them into a group of people, a clan, if you like.

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After all, we heard animals, aren't we? So on an evolutionary kind of scale and also at a subconscious nervous system level, we depend on people.

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We need each other to function.

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So the question is, do you feel like something's missing to you?

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Just pause for a moment and ask yourself specifically, why do I feel that way?

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How do I know something's missing? What is missing?

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And then you can listen, feel inner answers, I mean, you might want to pause and give yourself a moment to write that down.

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Or maybe come back and do that later, because there are clues to where you're unsatisfied and disconnected in them.

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And these are all the areas, basically that can be addressed with coaching.

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And then think about.

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What would be the opposite if nothing was missing? What would that look like?

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Think about maybe wholeness belonging purpose connection, and having a sense of your own worth and enoughness.

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What would that look like? How would you feel if you had that?

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Because here we are in life cast partially adrift, fending for ourselves.

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So what can we do? Well, here's the good news.

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Of course I like good news. If you'd like to generate more confidence, listen to the next 3 episodes of the podcast which are all about confidence, because it really is possible to do that. We're gonna talk today about clarity and efficiency.

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Because they naturally sprout from increased self-confidence, and in the following episodes in the coming episodes, we'll talk more about people confidence, self esteem and confidence, and the confidence to surpass your previous best and for those of you who who are listening

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who are experiencing burnout symptoms right now, for example, stress, anxiety, doubt, overwhelm, hopelessness,

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Confusion, loss of motivation, helplessness, rage, impotence, irritation, frustration, withdrawal, isolation,

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Then this episode is especially for you. Because can you imagine how you'd be feeling right now if you knew your could overcome any hurdle? If you had full confidence in yourself, and what you're doing each day?

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How you're showing up, and how you're relating with other people?

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Okay. So if you did call to mind or write down the ways you think you lack confidence, and the effect you see that having on your life and the way you conduct yourself and your relationships too, let's talk about the fuzziness, the fogginess, the lack of clarity and certainty, that can come

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up. I think of it really as kind of the fogginess of self-doubt. If I need to make a decision, any decision, it's gonna be much harder if I lack basic confidence and self-confidence, and let me just suggest right now the difference between those two for me is

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confidence is I know how to do something. Self-confidence is

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I know I can learn how to do somrething. Self-confidence is an attitude about your skills and abilities.

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It means you accept and trust yourself, and have a sense of control in your life.

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Hmm! Did you pick up for that prospect of regaining a sense of control I wonder?

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Because most people in burnout crave, chase and manipulate their way to a sense of control. It's kind of the Holy Grail, really, because the free fall of a lack of a sense of control is so disorienting, confusing and fear inducing we think we're gonna feel better when

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we're, you know, back in control because then we won't risk failure.

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We'll save face. Why we want self-confidence is often to avoid fears and failures.

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But self-confidence, paradoxically, is partly the willingness

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to fail and to feel the consequent emotions without descending into a spiral of self

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hatred. Without thinking we are the failure that we're not good enough, and then bothering ourselves with a ton of shame.

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And running even further away from ourselves and from our lives.

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And by the way, self-confidence can also come,

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I think, from the security of having faith, because then you trust

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that you'll be taking care of, and that your life will unfold as it should. And I used to kind of overlook that back in the day, because I regarded leaning on some external invisible power as weak and you know it was to be as if you were saying well some knight

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will fly in on a white charger and rescue everyone.

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But right now, for the record, I haven't a different view.

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I see spirituality now as our nature, and half of this spirituality lies in our inner wisdom, and half of it is out there beyond our control, and the object of our faith.

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So the knights on the white charger aren't coming. But they're not required.

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And you know, if that sounds a bit weird to you, I can imagine easily that some of you listeners have come to an altogether different understanding of faith, and that's great.

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That's perfect. I don't wish to undermine or argue with anybody's faith, but if faith connects us with some kind of genuine sense of foundational strength, then perhaps it's a good thing.

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So let's do this now. Let's do a quick confidence exercise.

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Shall we? And you might want to write your answers down again, or come back later and do that, and if you're driving, please try this later.

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Not now keep your mind and eyes on the road.

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Okay, so here's the exercise. Think of a challenge in your life right now.

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Where you lack self-confidence and just write it down.

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I would suggest, perhaps a small one to start with. If you're practicing

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this as a new skill.

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And then, when you've got that, see yourself in your mind's eye thinking about that challenge, prevaricating, stuck, unable to move forward where you need to take action or make a decision.

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But yeah, agonizing. You're spinning. You're putting it off.

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It's not happening and when you're in that place, just remind yourself what you doubt about your ability to resolve this issue.

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Why are you stuck, really, listen to what you say to yourself.

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That makes you unable or unwilling to move forward.

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What are you afraid of? I think that writing it down helps if you can do that, because then you get to see it in black and white.

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When you're thinking, and often when you, in the anxiety of confusion and confusion, of of in decision, you don't see it that clearly.

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And for those of you who are familiar with the self coaching model.

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This is great opportunity to write a model, but perhaps not a hasty one.

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Really take time, give it some time and dig deep.

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Once you see all of the thoughts that your mind is using to hold you back ask yourself if all of those thoughts are true.

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Are your biggest fears likely to materialize. Cos just possibly, when you write it down and read it back,

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it may not seem like such a big barrier as it did before, and you might decide just to simply back yourself and take the plunge.

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Accepting the potential downside. And any emotional discomfort that may come with it, and by which I also include social discomfort.

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Fear of judgment, and all of that.

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And you might further decide to forgive yourself in advance.

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If it doesn't go quite according to plan. If, you're just human, right?

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So remember also that you may be practicing a new skill here in developing this confidence in taking action, decision-making.

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And also consider for a moment when you've got your fears down on paper in black and white.

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If they seem consequential enough to stop you advancing. Or if you're now more willing to accept the risk and go boldly ahead.

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Not because your rash and cavalier, because you can see that it's a risk worth taking.

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Sometimes the mere act of writing our worries down diminishes them enough.

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Or gives us an opportunity to mitigate them. That has an effect on our outlook and decision.

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And then whether your willingness to act has changed or not, just do the second part of the exercise which is thinking of a person who is, or has been, your best advocate in this life,. Anyone who most strongly believes in you now, or who you can remember believing in you earlier in your life. Someone who has confidence

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in you and sit them down opposite you in your mind, and tell them why you're stuck. Outline

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the consequences you fear if you move forward.

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When you've done that, can you visualize or imagine looking into their eye, seeing gentle care, trust, and calm acceptance that shine out?

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What would that person say to you now about your dilemma?

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Listen, and really hear them out in your mind.

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When you've done that, what do you think about their approach?

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Did you hear any wisdom in it? Might it be workable? What are they saying about the possible downside that you gave them about not moving forward?

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What do you think in general about their advice?

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If your opinion changed at all in any part of this exercise, to the point where forward movement seems more appealing or more acceptable or more doable, you've basically just offered yourself a confidence upgrade, both confidence I know how to do something and self-confidence.

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I know I can learn how to do so. Bear in mind, this is a repeatable exercise.

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That's going to continue to increase your self-confidence every time you deploy it.

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So let's review. These are the primary steps in this self-confident exercise.

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I'll read them back to you, number one, accept, and  acknowledge the challenge that you face, your fears and your stubbornness.

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Number 2 identify the thoughts that are keeping you stuck. Number 3, decide to champion yourself, have your own back, regardless of the outcome, and not to attack yourself if you make an apparent mistake.

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Number 4 agree in advance that if your action is unsuccessful, that only this one action failed, you yourself are not a failure.

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Number 5. Review your reasons for being stuck and the associated risk, and if you'd like to, allow yourself to make a fresh choice about it.

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Number 6. Listen again to the wisdom of your supporter.

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Allow it to percolate a bit.

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Number 7, be grateful for yourself for taking a fresh and honest look at your block.

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Number 8. If you did unstick yourself in this exercise, celebrate wildly, I would recommend, and if you made notice that if you made a new choice here, it's actually going to be coming from your heart wisdom rather than these racing fear-based thoughts, you've been having and in my experience personally the heart is

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seldom wrong.

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So that's the exercise you can. I mean, listen to it again and have another go, write it down.

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And give yourself plenty of space and time to practice.

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This is a skill. The more you put it, the more you get out of this access.

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So let's say you're starting to generate some self confidence. When you do have self confidence.

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it's contagious. If you believe in yourself, you're gonna be much more inclined to believe in other people as well.

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Kind of logic of it is shared. It's like, I'm basically okay.

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So you're probably basically okay, too, you're gonna convey this belief

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to others, and invite them to join you, and I find this is very helpful, particularly in first impressions.

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When you meet somebody.

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When you've got self self-confidence at work.

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That's what leadership looks like. You become more of a leader.

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You trust yourself to do your job and to lead according to your values, which means you're rarely in conflict with yourself. Even if you have to sack someone, for example, or cut allowances or raise work hours when you have to pass on bad news, you can still, trust yourself, to do it with skill and compassion.

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You won't waste every day or all of your energy on second guessing yourself or harassing yourself, criticizing yourself about what you're doing or not doing.

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You won't procrastinate and defer decisions, playing endless

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what ifs worrying about displeasing others, or being judged.

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And if you make an error you probably won't give yourself  exaggerated grief about it.

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You'll just correct yourself and move on. It's a naturally relaxed and efficient way of moving through life because it demands very low nervous energy.

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It won't keep you awake at night. It generates less negative emotion and exhaustion.

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It keeps you more aligned with your own values, and it won't lead you so often into conflict.

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And this new relaxation you have around your own actions effectively, self forgiveness is gonna make you easier to be around more reliable at delivering results.

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When you said you people won't need to walk on eggshells so much around you.

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You'll kind of bring your nervous energy right down.

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And when you align who you are at work with your values, your self-confidence rises, and there's a drop in both internal and external friction, so I think there's a lot to be said for it myself relaxing with who you are by choosing to believe, choosing

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to, beg pardon, believe in yourself as is not wishing or demanding that you're someone else not trying to be perfect not blaming yourself for your humanity.

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You can develop a much more gentle and light-hearted acceptance of yourself,

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that assumes you're always doing your best and doesn't pick up the whip, at every perceived failure or omission I know I turn up at my desk in the morning a ton perkier than I used to when I was in burnout having recognised I suppose my own enoughness and you know, believe

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me, I'm no saint, but it has raised my ability to perform, and it's raised my enjoyment at work, and the way that I show up to do it in the morning.

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So if you'd like more confidence and particularly self-confidence, I highly recommend coaching.

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I can teach you how to develop out your natural confidence and relax, and back into back in yourself and start relying on it.

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And I think it. This is one of the things that really will put a smile back onto your face.

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And creates much more ease in day to day life than you may be experiencing right now.

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And this is the exact foundation skill that I teach all of my students in all of my programs.

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Business development, coaching personal life. It's really all about championing yourself, because think about how your life would be if you just had more self-confidence right now.

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Probably a big difference. So also tune into the next 3 episodes of the podcast for, more on confidence will be continuing in the coming episodes.

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And if you are in burnout as ever, listen to the link at the end, you must come and talk to me about how to recover quickly and sustainably
and get back to your best confidence, performance and leadership
and most of all enjoyment, inside work and out.